This is just a quick post, bringing some sexiness to Black Gay Men’s Blog(as I do), but throwing in a lil something for us to think about. I got to talking with a buddy of mine about age and how we all have all these rules and cut off points, when it comes to dating. My homie pointed out a few interesting points, I thought I’d share with y’all, coz it really made me think. So, I’m sure I’m not alone when it comes to the age thing, like many of you out there, I check out the dating and hook-up sites and shit and we all have a box(like they said in Sex and The City). I ain’t talking about the box you gotta check for your age now, I’m speaking metaphorically(see I know big words too, y’all think I’m just a dumb freak, who talks shit on Twitter LOL), I’m talking about the box we tell ourselves represents what we find attractive.
Black gay men, like most gay men of all races are obsessed with youth. The cap on my box was 40 – until I had the convo with my homie. He said to me – “so if u meet a brother that’s together, well-maintained, got a job, is spiritually grounded, can cook and throws it down in bed, you gonna turn him down, coz he’s 46?” He had listed all the important things on my “list”, so I got the message. The damn box is just another thing getting in the way of my happiness – and many of y’all out there are probably in the same position. There are too many single black gay men out there and yet we all gonna say, we want a man, can’t find a good man etc. Yet we have all these silly rules like the damn age box, that might actually stop a good brother from hitting us up.
Now, I ain’t saying I’m about to date a 65 year old dude, but I’m gonna put less importance on the friggin box. See, I’m growing y’all – I’m gonna find me a man in 2011 LOL! Seriously, it’s hard enough to find a compatible black man to connect with, coz of all our damn issues(I’m working on mine), why would I rule out a 46 year old, because I had imposed the 40 max box on myself. I mean, what’s 6 more years if it means long-term happiness? The main thing is for me to find someone compatible, who ain’t old enough to be my grandad(yo you can be as old as my dad if we got shit in common, but granps is stretching it!), who respects, loves me and is willing to grow with me. So, I just wanted to share that with y’all – maybe some of you out there are ready to ditch or expand the cap on your box!
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I have been saying this for so long ,I am so glad someone put it out there. Thank You so much.
As a 50+ man who is often mistaken for mid-30s, I’ve felt the sting of rejection once guys find out my real age (I don’t lie even if I don’t look my age). But now I’m at the point where I have my own age box. I don’t waste my time with any guys who are under 40. They may be cute but they’re usually dumb and immature and can’t hold an intelligent conversation about anything beyond last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta. I’m not into raising children or doing things I did 20 years ago.
I think that your statement is a little over-generalized and unfair. As a 20-year-old black bisexual young man, I understand the frustration in being corraled into the “young, dumb, and full of…” trap. I’m an intellectual, ambitious, focused, and mature man. People often tell me I’m “so mature for my age” but I see it as simply ACTING my age. Me being 20 does mean that there is much for me to learn. It however, does not mean I can only speak intelligently on pop culture and have no sense of direction in my life. It is as egregious to mistake all men under 40 as immature as it is not date men over 40.
Well that seems a bit hypocritical, J.Q. People under 40 aren’t all dumb and immature (and, for the record, they’re not always cute). This conversation is most often about youth getting over the apparently huge hurdle that is dating older men. The issue isn’t the same but I’ve certainly been screened more than once because I’m younger. Just as I’ve gotten past the numbers, they can too.
And for the record, I don’t even have a tv, let alone watch Real Housewives
Ok so your right…Spot on. I also have the damn box. I don’t know what it is about the freaking box that makes me feel secure yet at the same time I long to have a relationship.
Gavin 219BE2D7.
i dont know
I cap mine off at 40 only because I am 22. I just do not think we can do much relating after that and my own father is jut 46. I love love love older men, buT I keep it under control with an age cap cause I still have so much to learn and live and someone just too much older than me, although he may be fine, will be nothing but a father figure guiding a child.
Thank you so much for thie piece. I’ve had similar thoughts so I’m glad you’ve expressed them so nicely.
Most of us get caught up in the age thing in some kind of way. Wish there was a cure for it. haha. But seriously the problem is that society doesn’t value age. Maybe it’s all rooted in the concept of procreation and what appears to be fertile and virile. Let’s face it and older graying balding man is just not going to be perceived as virile. But we are patient and stable for the most part and therein lies the older man’s value. So we need to value our attributes confidence and others will value us.
It’s unfortunate many Black Gay Men group age to the level of maturity and how virile each group is or is not. Men are individuals not groups. At any age any individual can be mature or immature and have a high or a low sex drive. It depends on the man, not the age. By putting age restriction on who you date, many men may be missing someone they could be more compatible with.
Some older guys question what a younger man could bring to the table with having on a little of life’s experience. By the same token there are younger guys who feel older guys have given up on living life and aren’t outgoing or energetic. Also, some of them believe older guys can’t get it up or last as long. Now there is some truth to both generalizations but it doesn’t hold true for everyone. It’s about the man, the individual, not the age.
I entered the “gay life” in 2001 at age 47 and over the past 10 years I’ve dated guys from ages 20 to 57 and now I’m 57. Who I dated wasn’t a choice, I don’t look my age so guys I went out with thought I was younger (but they didn’t think I was as old as I said when I told them).
Guys I dated who were in their 20′s knew I was much older then them but thought I was in my early 30′s. I also told them my age. It didn’t turn them off, it further turned them on because they found me sexy, youthful, outgoing, adventurous, spontaneous and a freak! I was older than some of their parents. One guy who was 26 at the time when I was 48 told me wasn’t concern about what his parents would think but his friends. His parents always knew he was into older men. Just like the song and statement “age ain’t nothin’ but a number”!
This topic has been one of that I’m so glad has popped up. I am a 49 year old man, about to turn 50 in July, and I have been with the same man for over 6 years. We met when he was 22 and even though we’ve had our issues, we’ve overcome them. How, you might ask? Well, the first thing is that the “age” box isn’t an issue to us, just to other people. I always say that if they had a genuine relationship of their own, then they wouldn’t worry so much about ours. Not all younger men are immature and not all older men are mature, thats all on the individual. All I say is that if you find someone you love, and who loves you, and is of legal age, go for it. By the way, we have a lot in common, starting with love.
I am glad that this topic has come up as well. I’m in my mid thirties and have always said that I would not date a guy who was 24 or 25 for the same reason as people have mentioned i.e. younger guys appear to be immature at that age. Also I have relatives that age and it would feel really strange when I introduced a guy of that age to them. Also my own friends around my age would not look to kindly on me dating someone around that age.
However, I am now in a relationship with a guy that is a few years older than me and I am very happy to say the least. I think that it does depend on the person at the end of the day because older guys can be just as immature as well and some younger guys can be very mature.
Great article!
I have always liked older guys, and it is true not all of them are mature. I am 47 now have been getting hit on by brothas in their 20s. When I tell them my age, they think that I am lying until I show them the is.
I was in a relationship with a guy 9 years younger for 8 1/2 years. I called it off 7 years because I wasn’t in love with him. It has taken me 7 years to learn who I really am and what I want from my partner. I have recently started to date a guy who is 59 and he doesn’t look it. He is hot & sexy as Hell!!!!!
As someone who is 23, I do NOT KNOW WHY, but I like older men. I can rarely get along with someone who is my age or younger. The only problem I bump into once in a while is when I meat a guy, he’s like 35 for (example), and he acts like he’s 18, and not in a good way. That can tend to get under my skin, or if the man thinks because i’m young, that I’m dumb, and easy to use, manipulate and walk all over. But my closing cap is pretty up there, and really I keep it simple. If the man is what I like and he just what I like. The fact that he is older isn’t really gonna do nothing for me, but turn me on!
I am over forty and it is hard to find a masculine hard working black male over 40 I like them straight from the country, plow pulling grass cutting hay stacking black men that love a good bath and a massage after a hard days work.
I just recently turned 56 3 days ago. Being black, gay, and old sucks. LOL It seem like yesterday, I was 18 years old in 1973, the year I graduated from high school. I am attractive to hot young in shape white males in their thirties. All don’t give me the time of day because I’m black and older. Life sucks….
Aww Dennis. I hope things get better. I know its premature for me to be bothered or worry about my age, but I’m 28 (turning 29 in Nov) and the prospects of being an older black gay man have always seemed desolate and depressing for me, for the simple fact that gay culture (and modern culture at large) have an obsession with youth. I take care of myself and make sure I keep my skin and hair and everything looking “fresh” and I get mistaken for being 17-23 a lot. But still. I have that irrational fear hanging over my head.
Great article. I LOVE older men, nothing like salt ‘n pepper with, HOPEFULLY, a bit of wisdom.
Love the article. I am a 43 black male. I workout 3 to 4 times a week and I’ve never felt better! I can’t speak for other brothers in their 40′s, but if you take care of yourself at a young age (like began at 23 years old) age won’t become a factor because you’ve maintained your mind, body and soul over the years. What I am trying to say is, whether you’re in your 20′s or 40′s live life with a purpose by encouraging, edifying and enlightening each other. Trust me, brothers whether your in your 20′s, 30′s or 40′s etc if you let your light shine and have positive energy and impact on people’s lives, you’ll attract an array of brothers. Live life with a purpose.
One Love
As a 68 year old white man, must say there is something to keeping a reasonable age range. I set my range from 58 to 80+, because I like mature men who are a little on the dominant side. Have a number of black friends, but have never dated one of them. Not because of race, but because we just don’t seem to be what the other is looking for. Have meet on man on line, that I think would be perfect, but we live almost twelve hundred miles apart. If I were able to find a nice black man that was compatible and in the age range I have listed, would love to date. Like I said I’m 68, and would have no trouble getting with a man 80 or older, and the same goes for a man 58 years old.