Black Gay Men’s blog ventures into the world of interracial dating and black gay men, who date EXCLUSIVELY outside their race. First of all, let me say that I have nothing against interracial dating, sex, love or lust. I grew up surrounded by interracial couples and it was drummed into me that love was love. It is 2011, we are all free to love and date anyone we want. What I’m talking about here are black gay men, who ONLY date non-black men and more specifically white men. The kind of black gay men, who never seem to have any black friends and when they do, their friends have to be part of the “I don’t date black men” click.
A few posts on this blog have already been called controversial, so I just want to make it clear, that these are just my opinions. Each blog post is the opinion of that individual only. The purpose of Black Gay Men’s Blog is to get us talking, thinking and being the healthiest our authentic selves can be. That being said, here we go.
Yes, I do find black gay men who only date outside their race problematic. I find ANYONE of any race, who only dates outside their race problematic. I have never heard any argument, which explains how this can be healthy and good for soul. I find it unhealthy, because I think that if one can’t find anything attractive about one’s own race, there simply has to be an element of self-loathing. Not to mention the sexual objectification of the other(or one’s own) race. A lot of these black gay men end up with white men, who only date black men. We’ve all seen them – the white guy’s eyes light up, as soon as anything black walks into the bar. The black dude has the largest grin on his face, proud to be the only negro amidst a gaggle of white gay men(all lusting after his big Mandingo…. need I go on?). Whenever this subject is brought up, I hear the same tired old lines – “you can’t help who you love”, “I don’t see color”, “it’s just the same as guys who only like blondes”. These are the most common arguments I hear, so I’ll try to address them.
The “you can’t help who you love” argument is totally without merit, when it comes to exclusively dating outside one’s race. Why? Because it implies an openness that is negated by the fact that you discount your own race. How can you be so open to “loving whomever”, but you can’t find anyone of your own race worthy of loving or sexing? If it were true, then individuals, who utter such statements would be open to dating ANYONE of any race, including their own. I’m all for equal opportunities and dating people of all races, but when you objectify one race and discount your own, it becomes an issue to me. By discounting your own race, you discount yourself. I have never found anything attractive about people, who don’t find images similar to theirs attractive. Low self-esteem and self-loathing don’t seem like a good starting point for a relationship. Besides, if you can’t help who you love, why not go set up home with an insane mass murderer known for dismembering black gay men? Yes, I’m being dramatic, but you get my point. We might not be able to help an initial attraction, but what separates human beings from beasts is the ability to make wiser decisions, in matters of life, sex and love. If not, we would all be sex-offenders.
I’ll touch briefly on “I don’t see color” and I say briefly, because it simply is one of the biggest lies ever. When white people say I don’t see color, I’m wary of them. When black people say it, I either wanna hug them(maybe if they get some black love it will wake them up) or slap the shit out of them. Black people all over the world have either experienced slavery or colonialism – both with lasting impacts. How could you NOT see color? As I said, I have no problem with interracial dating and if I were to date a white man, you had better see my damn color. I’m black, you are white – now let’s see if this can work and we can love and respect each other. To not see my color, is to not see my culture and heritage. Now, I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m proud of mine.
I have actually heard black gay men say “it is just like a white guy who only likes blondes”. Do I even need to discuss this, other than to say DUH??? Blonde, brunette or redhead – they are still of the same race. I’m going to leave this one alone, because it really doesn’t merit much more time. You should have spent more time at school and/or with your grandmother, she might have taught you something, there’s a lot to be learned from our elders.
In this blog post, I have focused more on the black/white relationships, because those are the ones I have seen the most. Besides, most of the self-loathing is a direct or indirect result of our history with the white race. However, I think dating any other race exclusively, is probably not the most healthy way to be. Of all men, black men are the most sexualized, so of course, this comes into play. We are seen as strong Mandingo studs with an insatiable appetite for sex, ready to bang anything that moves. Led by our humongous penises, we are unable to make wise decisions, when it comes to sex. Some of us have started believing and living that stereotype. We have become sexual commodities, simply there to pleasure other races, especially the white race – the ultimate big black stud. I was once in a bar in London with a friend and a white man came over and asked if we were lovers. My friend(who was black) retorted “oh NO I don’t date black men!” The white dude looked at him like he was crazy, I could have kissed that white man!
Over the years, I have had friends and associates, who only dated outside their race. Sometimes, black gay men reach their 40s and 50s and say they are now open to dating black men. Better late than never, I guess, but I’m often sceptical. Now that you are all used up by white men, who no longer want you, because you are too old, you want to run back to the brothers? I would only give such a brother a chance, if he has had some intensive therapy, to discover what led him down that path. I am not a great believer in 2 halves making a whole in relationships. Especially, when one of those halves is really a quarter. I believe in 2 whole individuals coming together and making magic! We all have our issues, but some issues are preferably dealt with before attempting to share your life with someone else.
Some of you will probably say “he sounds like he has a chip on his shoulder, or maybe he doesn’t like white people”. None could be further from the truth. I treat individuals as individuals, I have dated white men and I also have a lot of love for my latino brothers. My first choice will always be a black man, because there is just something about a brother that makes me exhale(yeah I said it). Healthy love should not take away from who you are, it should complement you. If you have to distance yourself from your own race, your family and black friends, in order to be with someone of another race, you might want to take a good hard look at your life.
Love and lust after whomever you want, but don’t forget to love yourself first. If you can’t find anything attractive about your own race, can you truly love yourself? How is it possible that out of all the millions of black men all over the world, there isn’t one that you find attractive? Hell, I just popped out to the deli and saw three attractive black men. Unless, you live in a really small town with only a handful of people, I just don’t get it. I’m a foodie and like most true foodies, I’m adventurous, variety is the spice of life. So, I can understand going out to get some white meat every now and then, but sometimes, there is nothing like a home cooked meal. For me, home is in the arms of a black man, that’s all I’m saying.
With all that the black race has been through, I don’t expect us to be unscathed. However, we need to find the strength to come out on the other side as healthy as we possibly can. Black gay and bisexual men need to start loving, appreciating and respecting other black gay men, a whole lot more. As they say, charity begins at home – you have to love yourself, before you can truly see the beauty of your fellow black gay men.