I recently sat down for brunch with a very interesting, retired black gay male escort, who wanted to share his story with Black Gay Men’s Blog. We are calling him Duane because he prefers to remain anonymous, but felt that his story of prostitution aka hustling, drug addiction, bareback sex, AIDS, depression and isolation might be beneficial to some of our readers.
Before I go any further, let me warn you that some of the details recounted might be disturbing. I had a very frank, deep and disturbing interview with Duane over brunch and I am going to try my best to share HIS story without interjecting any judgment. I ask that you guys try not to be too harsh on him as I think we can all learn something from Duane’s story.
Duane is a black gay male, aged 30, who currently lives in Brooklyn, NY. He was raised in Manhattan, as an only child, by a single mother, who sadly passed away 6 years ago. Duane has only met his father once when he was a kid and has no idea where he is today. Duane was diagnosed with AIDS(hopefully you know that there is a difference between an AIDS diagnosis and being HIV positive), when he found out he was positive in September 2010. He currently has a host of health complications and is a shadow of his former self – an extremely attractive black man. Current physical appearance aside, there is something very endearing about Duane and I found myself able to see the inner him and not what he had done, or become.
I spent almost two hours with Duane because his story was so deep, fascinating and tragic all at the same time. I also think he was glad to have some company. He doesn’t want anyone to think he is looking for pity or that he is saying escorting is an evil thing. He just wants to share his story and hopefully it might stop someone out there from making the same mistakes. He says if you are going to become an escort, go into it with your eyes wide open and stay focused, without letting greed get the better of you.
- Storm: Thank you for meeting with me and for deciding to share your story with Black Gay Men’s Blog. I know you are not feeling too well, so I really appreciate it.
Duane: No, thank you man. I think it is something I gotta do, even if it just stops one person from making the same mistakes. And it’s good to be out of the apartment, first time in a few days.
- Storm: Let’s take it from when you started escorting. You said on the phone you started escorting when you lost your job, about a year after your mom passed away. Do you think the series of events had anything to do with your decision to become an escort or was it something you had always considered doing?
Duane: Nah, I never really thought about hustling or escorting until I lost my job, but I always heard I would make a good escort or porn star, so maybe it was at the back of my mind. I lost my job because when my moms passed, I kinda lost focus – turning up late or calling in. I was drinking and smoking a lot of weed every day you know, work just wasn’t the place I wanted to be. My moms was the only family I had, so I guess it hit me real bad. I think the fact that she was gone made it easier to start escorting, like I had nothing to lose. Nobody could say shit to me. I really started(hustling) to save my apartment, when the little I had saved up ran out. I had a decent job for years and a nice apartment, so I wanted to keep it I was very close to being evicted in the middle of winter in NYC – not a good look. I did what I felt I had to do without dealing with the structure of work and all that BS. I decided to place an ad in one of the free gay mags and that was that, my phone started ringing, I was lucky to hook-up with a few wealthy clients who wanted something on the regular. They needed the double-digits between my legs and I needed the cash, you know. I worked 6 nights a week for the first 2 months – saved my crib and had enough vodka and weed to keep me happy. I could sleep most days and drink smoke and sex most nights. I got to know the regulars, you know I did overnights and shit – more money.
- Storm: Some would say you had a good thing going. So when did things turn south? You mentioned on the phone that you started having bareback sex and taking harder drugs, which you believe was the beginning of the end for you, to use your own words. How did that all come about? How long had you been escorting before you started offering bareback services and were you doing the drugs with clients, or on your own, in order to cope with the fact that your were prostituting? Or maybe a bit of both?
Duane: Damn (laughs), you said you weren’t gonna be too easy on me, guess you weren’t lying. It’s that word “prostituting”, you sound like my therapist. Yeah, I’m just coming to terms with that word, ok, yeah I was a male prostitute. That shit just sounds wrong, you know (laughs again) from high-paying job to hustling. My bad, let me get back on track. Yeah, everything was cool for almost 2 years. I had good regular clients, even went on a few trips and stuff. Did lots of overnights and didn’t have to work 6 nights any more. I mean 5 hours a week was like $1000, if I did 1 overnight a week, that was an extra $600 – $1000. So on lazy weeks I could pull in 2k easy, most weeks I made about 3k. I had always said no to bareback with clients, but then one of them offered me $600 for 1 hour, I had started taking a lil coke every now and then to escape. I was high at the time, so I was like hell yeah – plus he was fine as hell. I think it was easier because the first raw client was a sexy-ass black man on the Upper East side. I saw him at least once a week for 6 months b4 the raw sex started, so we were cool. Once I crossed that line, it was easier to say yes to the white clients and I always charged them more than the black clients anyway, coz that was more like work, I’m normally attracted to black men. It was like easier money and I was only dealing with high-end clients at this time, so I deceived myself that it was cool. Plus, I was topping them, so it wasn’t that risky – that’s what I told myself. Then one of my white clients, who had more money than sense offered me a ridiculous amount of money to have sex all night with him on crystal meth. He wanted us to both do the meth. Now, remember at this point I had only done weed and a bump(coke) every now and then. I said no the first couple of times, then one night I was like WTF let me try this shit. Yo, we had sex for hours, that shit was bananas. I went home around 8am still horny and got on A4A to find a hook-up, I was tweaking like crazy and banged dude who came through raw for like an hour. That’s how it all started, then the client started inviting his buddies over and we would have orgies and stuff and I would leave with a pocket full of cash and my dick still hard. By about the third month I was really hooked on that stuff doing it all the time with different clients, I even introduced some of them to it, other had already been doing it, so now we could PNP. Yo, I became a sex maniac and I always wanted it raw, I was having sex with so many dudes, apart from clients, I lost count. I got into all that “piggy” sex with white clients, then I’d go home horny and craving black sex. I don’t know how many holes in NYC I flooded and I got to take out all my anger and aggression on the clients. I didn’t realize how much pent up anger I had, it was very easy to beat those who wanted to be beaten and treated like dirt. Also meth makes your booty go crazy, so after a while I needed to be flooded too. I went from a regular escort to a full-time bareback escort. In about 2.5 years I think I used a condom 2 or 3 times. I started going to the bathhouses too just anywhere i could get sex. I wanted only 2 things meth and sex. By that point, the money was just a bonus, a way to get more meth. I looked like shit after about 1 year on meth, not as bad as I looked in September, but bad enough that it really was easier to do bareback clients on meth – they didn’t care what I looked like they just wanted 11 black inches for hours. I stopped paying rent and was facing eviction again, but at that point I didn’t care. Dude who introduced me to meth offered me a room in his crib. I think he felt a lil bad, plus he could always get his back blown out whenever he wanted it. Besides I was out having sex most of the time anyway, so it wasn’t like I needed a home, you know.
- Storm: How ironic, you started escorting to save your apartment and ended up a homeless bareback hooker after 2.5 years on crystal meth. At any time during all that drug fueled crazy sex, did you ever think about HIV and other STDs, or the fact that you were possibly endangering your life and the lives of others? Did you get regular check ups? Was HIV ever discussed with clients or booty-calls – considering the fact that you were a reckless bareback escort, sex maniac and a junkie?
Duane: Just say it like it is why don’t you!(laughs) I like you man, you ain’t sugar-coating shit, that’s what I need. Nah, in the crystal meth world I don’t think HIV is mentioned much, I think it’s like an unspoken assumption, you know. Most meth heads are probably positive, many staring using meth to cope with being positive, I know that now. At the time, I really didn’t want to know, denial is a bitch you know. Outside of the meth bareback/PNP clients, I was mainly having raw sex with black men, when I was “off the clock”. Now when was the last time a black gay man asked you about status, before getting busy? We don’t do that often – you a straight shooter, you should know. Most black men ain’t having no serious discussion about HIV, when their shit is all hard. Plus, 70% of the time, I was topping and I am extremely “blessed”. Put eleven inches in front of most men and how many do you think are gonna ask about HIV. I also convinced myself tops couldn’t get HIV, so I only went to the clinic for other STDs, you know stuff that antibiotics can get rid off.. Yeah I know I have read your article about that shit, that’s why I hit you up. I know I wasn’t a top all the time, but I had been calling myself that for years. Plus I was high you know. I’m not making excuses, I’m just telling you how my fucked up mind was working at the time. I know what I did was wrong. When I was diagnosed with AIDS last year, for the first two months I was severely depressed, I still am, part of it was because I had to deal with the fact that I had probably infected more men than I can even remember. Especially black men, you know I love black men and I’ve probably ruined so many lives flooding all those holes and stuff. Now, I look back it’s crazy to think I hadn’t been tested in 5 years.
- Storm: I have to stop you right there, let’s look at that for a moment. You say you love black men, is that a recent thing? I say that because I don’t see how you can love black men, or anyone, when you don’t love yourself. Have you learned to love yourself now and so realize the error of your ways? I don’t think you are entirely to blame for infecting anyone, it takes two, but I am glad you are owning your role in the possible infection of tons of black men. That is, if we are to assume that all your clients were already positive – if not, you probably infected some white men too. I believe when it comes to sex and the decision to bareback, both parties have to take responsibility. Was being diagnosed with AIDS the turning point? Tell us more about that, you said your CD4 count was 4 when you were diagnosed, that means your immune system was totally depleted.
Duane: You are right, I didn’t love myself at all. I realize now that I had been depressed for a very long time, even before my moms passed. I was self-medicating with weed and alcohol for years. It just intensified when she died. I had a lot of anger inside me coming up, I was really mad at my pops for abandoning me, but I directed that anger to myself. When I got diagnosed with AIDS, I had been sick for weeks, probably 2 months, but being high all the time, you are so numb you don’t really know what it real, you know. I had a cough and couldn’t breathe right, then it got worse and worse. First I just thought it was from the meth, you know all that smoking. Well, that was part of it, by the time I collapsed outside 86th street subway, I had pneumonia, my chest and lungs were seriously infected, I had neurosyphilis and all kinds of other infections. I am lucky to be alive today, even though I still have AIDS, it saved my life. I was in hospital for 1 month, so it was like forced detox and rehab. Then I started an out-patients program, as well as therapy twice a week, now once a week. I take a lot of meds because I had a host of Opportunistic Infections and you also gotta take stuff to prevent you from getting stuff, when your immune system is severely compromised. I know I still look terrible, but you should have seen me then. I have actually put on 20lbs since September.
- Storm: Yeah, you look nothing like the picture you showed me from 6 years ago. That must be hard for someone who was so into their physical appearance and actually made a living selling their body. How do you cope with that, what is your life like today and do you look forward to the future?
Duane: To be honest with you, I don’t cope too well. I am indoors most of the time, apart from visits to the clinic, therapist, my program and NA meetings(which I don’t go to as often as I should, coz I’m still quite weak). I just started some new anti-depressants, so hopefully they will be better than the last ones I was on. I hadn’t left my apartment for 3 days before meeting with you. I mean I’m glad to be alive, but I don’t see much hope for the future right now. My depression got worse after the AIDS diagnosis and after years of drug abuse some depression is normal anyway, then you add in all the extra stuff. My life really revolves around doctors, outpatients, specialists and therapist visits. I’m conscious of how I look, my skin is still messed up from the meth and AIDS and meds, just a mess. I struggle a lot with side effects from all the different medications I am on, which really sucks, but Ia m grateful that the meds are there. I don’t have any friends, I lost my old friends when I became hooked on meth, 1 or 2 have reached out to me within the last week or so, but I don’t even know if I’m ready. So much I have to explain – maybe I’ll just have them read your blog. I feel like I am alive but I ain’t living.
- Storm: What have you learned from the last 5 or 6 years and what would you like readers of Black Gay Men’s Blog to take away from your story?
Duane: I just want people, black gay men in particular, to understand the importance of loving yourself and loving yourself enough to do something about depression or any other mental problems. It is easy to look at my story as a story of escorting and drug addiction, which it is, but one thing I have learned from therapy is that my anger, self-hatred and depression are more to blame for all this, than crystal meth. If I didn’t have those problems, I would probably never have become an addict. Keeping stuff in and self-medicating only works short-term. We as black men have to learn to love self first. Place less importance on sex and partying and more on yourself. The rate of HIV and AIDS among black gay men and MSM is so high – the reason for that is because we don’t really love ourselves. We need to learn to talk about stuff like HIV – I am lucky I am still here, barely, but here. It could be anyone out there next. I was 6ft 4 and 190lbs of solid muscles, even when I got down to 150lbs all people saw was what was between my legs. HIV comes in all sizes and shapes, I have been them all – big and strong and now weak and skinny. Love yourself enough to make wiser choices.
- Storm: On that note, I think we can wrap up the formal part of this interview, but I’m gonna stay right here and make sure you eat some more of that food, so we can get you back to big and strong. Thank you very much for sharing your story with Black Gay Men’s Blog, I am sure it will help some people out there.
Duane: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell it and for a nice brunch. You got something special about you, I felt really at ease talking to you – it’s nice not to feel judged, but at the same time you ain’t easy(laughs). Please keep on doing what you are doing with the blog, If it stops just one person from making the same mistakes, then maybe some of this madness over the last 6 years will make some sense.
Duane and I then chatted for a while after the interview was over. This is just a summary of what he went through over the last 6 years. Some of the things he told me, I can’t publish on the blog, because of legal and confidentiality issues(and some where just too graphic and the effect will be lost by editing). I tried to encourage him to keep fighting and make a decision to live. His CD4 count is now 20, which is still extremely low(having a CD4 count of 200 and below gives you an AIDS diagnosis) but I am sure the only way is up. His spirit is clearly broken, but every now and then he gets that sparkle in his eyes. He has a great sense of humor and didn’t want to be treated with kid gloves, so I knew I could use certain words without him being offended. I pray he gets through the depression, because that always makes everything worse and is also not good for the immune system. Duane is still very troubled and ridden with guilt over the amount of men he feels he must have infected. I think doing this interview was also a way of him purging.
Duane will be answering any questions or comments himself, as he will be registering on the blog today. He will try and check the blog a few times over the next couple of days, depending on his strength levels/health. He is open to any genuine questions you guys might have. The Black Gay Men’s Blog forum will also be open later today, so I am considering giving him a thread on the forum, so that the discussion can continue. Please leave comments, words of encouragement or whatever you choose, but please try and be civil. We have all make mistakes and I applaud Duane for coming through and trying to turn the tragedy of the last 6 years into something positive – maybe even helping some black gay men.
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very powerful story. I can relate to much of it. I want to also mention sexual compulsion/addiction as another driving factor in stories like Duane’s. my own sexual compulsion was responsible for the dissolution of my marriage & fall from grace years ago. sexual compulsion is underrecognized in the gay community…but anytime you constantly endanger your health & safety for anonymous sex encounters when you know the risks, it is a compulsion. there is help available but it is a long process, and in ways more challenging than recovery from drugs & alcohol. If more same sex attracted men would recognize & accept that the desire to have sexual contact with other men can be overwhelming and almost impossible to resist; even when you have so much to lose but still find yourself on a4a everyday or in the park or restrooms before, during & after work or school; putting your wives or girlfriends or partners at risk…this is sexual compulsion.
Duane thanks again for sharing your story. I wish you well in your recovery.
JNez
this is deep man, kinda makes me sad but there’s a lot of strength and courage there too. hang on in there bruh and try not focus too much on the “AIDS” stigma/label it will only make u more depressed. u got a future if u want one man, my cousin went thru something similar. it’s been 2 years and a slow recovery CD4 was 6, now 196, so he’s almost out of that label, but he is much stronger. focus on how u feel, it’s a long road ahead, but u can do it.
damn man why crystal meth? I know it’s a stupid question, you just got me choked up right now. look after urself man, I hope u ain’t still i contact with ur user buddies.
Duane, It takes courage and strength to share this and I am really appreciative for the fact that you took the step to.
I know you have already heard this from the numerous visits to the docs or counseling sessions, but I would just like to urge you to try and stay positive. It acknowledge the fact that it ain’t easy, but there are many people out here who would give you support in anyway that we could.
What I would wish to leave you with is, do not look back and regret, for we can not undo what has already happened, but look back and see everything as a learning experience, an encouragement and an inspiration for you to live each day for the better and to reach out to many who I for sure know you will inspire.
Hugs
He got into that life thinking it was gonna be all glamor and dollar signs, and now that he sees it didn’t turn out that way he’s upset. He’s probably still slinging that disease stick at anyone nasty enough to take it.
He deserves what happened to him.
You’re the only one responsible for your actions. Stop blaming drugs, stop blaming circumstances, stop blaming niggas.
I’m sorry but I don’t think he is blaming anything or anyone, he is simply telling his story. He takes full responsibility for his actions, but he is only human.
Certain circumstances do influence our judgment, or lack thereof. I don’t think anyone deserves AIDS and taking the ratios into consideration, I wouldn’t go
mouthing off about “disease sticks”, unless you’ve never had sex, because you have probably come into contact with someone who was HIV+ and had sex with them.
Just my opinion, you are entitled to yours, however archaic it sounds.
Thank you, Storm, for your response to that “Strokey” person, who obviously has never abused drugs. I used to have the same view until I became a crack addict myself. I also had unsafe sex in dangerous places, and I know I am blessed to be HIV negative, alive and not in jail. I have been clean for 13 1/2 years, and I pray for Duane to stay clean and get healthy.
A friend of mine who is a drug counselor once stopped me in my tracks during a judgmental rant I was on about people who’ve used meth by saying, “The only difference between you and them is that you’ve never tried it.”. And that’s the truth. Whatever the reasons people starting using, they’re doing it to quell pain. If you have never walked down that road, Strokey, consider yourself lucky and never judge those who have. No one deserves a meth addiction. No one.
Duane, I send you love and healing. I was saddened to read what you have been through but I know you will be well again. There are people all over the world who are praying for you. Take good care and thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. You are loved and you deserve love.
Life has no guarantees. The only guarantee is that life happens. For some of us, it’s a no brainer to not get involved in anything to the degree that Duane found himself. But the fact of the matter is “…that time and chance happens to all men…” Ecclesiastes 9:11. I have found out that, in life, God sometimes permits us to go through devastating ordeals, not only for our own learning and experience, but also to see how others are going to respond to our situation. Compassion was one of Christs greatest attributes, he left an example of love, forgiveness of sins,reconciliation, recovery and redidication.. among the many examples he left to His creation. How dare you try and stand as judge and jury on Duane and so many others of us, as if you are the one who gives life. Judge not that you are not judged, unless that same judgement comes back on you. Be careful when you think you are in good standing, because you don’t know when your are going to fall, and need someone to pick you up with love, compassion and understanding. Not making excuses for your faults and failures, but to love you through them all, inspite of what they know to be true about you. One thing about it, through Duane’s ordeal, he has learned the truth about himself, and God has allowed him to live to share that truth, so others can be delivered, set free and healed. Salvation is freedom from anything that binds or restricts us from being all that God has called for us to be. Duane is free, but you have just bound yourself with every word and thought you have about Duane. You had better pray that God delivers you from your stony heart, because you will soon find yourself in a worse situation, if God decides to visit you with your own understanding… Duane we celebrate your freedom and complete healing in Jesus name. Every one of us gay or straight will be judged for everything we do. We don’t need man’s judgement, because that’s what messed us up in the first place.
Excellent response, Ulysses.
There but for the grace of God, go I.
This is a very touching story. I admire your courage coming forward and telling your story. Of course, there are going to be those who will only see the negative. What I got from your story wasn’t you blaming the drug. I don’t think you would have felt so guilty if you were blaming the drugs. I believe you are owning your actions.
One thing I don’t know if you have considered. If you know any of the booty-calls(not the meth crowd, because I don’t know if you are strong enough for that yet)please contact them and inform them of your status. That is if you had any regular booty-calls. I’m not sure if you should contact strangers. Too many of us are i this predicament, finding out when the CD4 is so low, in single or double digits. Think about it, if it is something you can do, please tell some of the guys you had raw sex with to get tested. If they know their status, they can start medication.
Wish you all the best and thanks for sharing your story.
To Duane…First and foremost GOD bless you!!! Seconly, you just told a story that is sadly not a story that alot of gay males don’t play a part in. I never escorted but I also took alot of built up anger insecurities lack of self love etc and put them into drugs. I did Tina twice..i just couldn’t get into the days of not sleeping, but i did everything but Crack and Heroine and it was a coping and knumbing issue for me as well. When i was doing those thing I just looked at it as having fun, but now I know it for what it really was and I can say that going through that has brought me back to the person I was ALWAYS suppose to be. No. i don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to through it out but I have self respect self love and I have a personal relationship with GOD, and in time you will too. I don’t know you but I love you for sharing that story and I love you because you are a child of GOD and he will see you though just as he is seeing me…ONE!!!P.s…I know that it sound weird but getting HIV has saved my life..and I know if he did it for lil ole me he can and will do it for you!!!
This story was truly heart-felt. I know a few people with HIV and their stories were something, but this one, was a great blow. I mean he told the truth about everything and I truly commend him for that. Duane, all I have to say is this…keep fighting and never give up. The Lord will truly provide for you and if you don’t think anyone else is out there for you, He is. He will never leave you nor forsake you. I can kinda relate to the guy because I have been through things in the years, but never have I even gone down that path. We can relate, because I know how depression can feel at times. I had to learn to just push through and know that life is just what it is…LIFE.
I appreciate all the comments guys, even yours Strokey.
I am not blaming the drugs or any circumstances, I was just giving a background as to what led me to that place. I am not upset, depressed yeah, upset no. I have been in intensive therapy and I am a work in progress.
I feel bad about some of the things I have done in the past, but I’m trying to get to a place where I don’t keep beating myself up, because that is affecting my health and recovery.
Lloyd – I have already contacted the guys that I feel I can contact. The truth is I don’t even have most of their numbers. Apart from the few regular booty-calls, most were a one-off thing. But I feel what u are saying. I encourage everyone to get tested, so they don’t leave it until they have an AIDS diagnosis and have to fight to build back the immune system.
Classyman/Leon – I am working on my spirituality one day at a time.
I REALLY appreciate ur kind words of encouragement and feel free to ask anything you want to . It is my understanding that the forum will be open anytime now, I’ll start a thread there.
Thanks guys!
As strange as it sounds, I find your story inspiring. You were at the lowest point in your life, and yet you are now able to rise up again.
All I can see is hope and strength of character.
Live on!
Yo my man Duane, I’m proud of u bruh!
Not for the things u have done, but for sharing with us & telling ur truth man.
If y’all don’t see that we can learn from this brutha then something ain’t right. Who Da F!k made Strokey God? Imma try to be nice and “civil”, but 4 real u need to go back to whateva cave u done climbed out from yo. Can’t stand when black gay men start throwing stones. You ignorant yo about “disease sticks” and he deserve it. When was ur last test homie? I bet u call urself christian too, be all up in the church on Sunday. Remember, God don’t like ugly!!! That being said lemme stop. U just got me mad as hell!
Duane, my man, u gone make it. STAY STRONG and keep telling ur truth!
I love this blog
I am astounded & VERY PROUD of one, this story and two, the beautiful support here. Duane, you are so heroic for telling your story and a large part of your rehabilitation is the simplicity of just sharing it. We are all better for your experience and what we’ve learned. You’ve been through quite alot and I hope that you keep us posted with your advances in your health, both mental and physical.
To everyone else who has responded to this story you all are amazing. The fact that one of our own has opened up and shared about his demons and despair and most of all, fear (which for us Black Men, let alone, Gay Black Men) is really hard to do. There is nothing stronger than when we share the love we have for each other. It conquers all.
Duane, thank you.
Duane, God bless you for sharing your story with us. I’ve been struggling with meth and raw sex on top of being in a relationship. I have been feeling so lost and continuing to turn to the wrong people & drugs for help. No one knew but the people I thought were friends until I told my best friend & broke down to him. And it felt like that ton of bricks just melted off my shoulders. I know however, that that is not the see all-end all. I’ve started therapy in hopes of dealing with my issues of abandonment and unworthiness. For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m regaining control of my life and my worth. I just want to thank you again for sharing your story and letting me know that I’m not the only one and two that I can overcome this.
This was enlightening
thanks a lot Duane,
this is the most touching story i have read in years. i love u, a lot of brothers here love u and most importantly, God loves u greatly. believe me, having this candid interview with storm is a big step towards ur recovery from both AIDS and depression. just dont lose focus, keep loving urself and try to love God. IT IS WELL WITH YOU!
Storm, thank u very much for ur good work. this is the first time i am visiting this blog and i really am impressed with what you are doing here to help fellow gay brothers. God bless u.
To fellow brothers here, i would like us to try and be kind to people, especially with our words. stone-throwing is not the best thing here, especially when most of us are living in glass houses. that some of us do not have the virus is because God is gracious, not because we are righteous. nobody wishes to get AIDS, but shit happens. like storm said, except u are a “gay virgin”, there is a possibility that you have slept with someone who has the virus. IT COULD BE ANYONE.
LETS ALL TRY AND BE VERY CAREFUL, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.
We must get to the real issues here which is IDENTITY..this dude lost his and that is not a judgement that is a fact; there are lawyers and doctors who I have seen on METH who do not take it to these extremes because they have stability. If this man would have never lost his job this journey would have never taken place. First he needs to take responsiblity, which in some ways he is but in some he is not. He could have said no and allowed his client to use is not him.
These are hard facts to fit in people will do just about anything. He may have been better off homeless instead of feeding his EGO because that is what led him to escorting and the drugs to begin with. I hope that this story helps someone but we also need to make sure this man can contine to help himself.
Once again, thank y’all so much for your kind comments & support.
WOW! I gotta say, I’m a lil overwhelmed – you guys on this blog have restored my faith in humanity. I really don’t think I deserve all this kindness.
Storm thanks man for allowing me to tell my story(openly without fear of judgment) and encouraging me to come out and meet with you and continue fighting. I actually went for a walk today, like you suggested – felt good.
I think just being able to tell my story has made me feel lighter! I have therapy tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes.
Just wanna say though, I am TRULY SORRY for some of the things I have done, they still haunt me daily. I just can’t help but think that somewhere in NYC there are black men(and maybe a few white and latino) in the same position I am in now and it’s all my fault. I am so sorry, I don’t wish this on anyone.
Thanks!
Hudson, I hear where u are coming from. Losing my job was the catalyst, but I can’t honestly say I would never have taken meth if I hadn’t lost my job. Yes, I had lost my identity and was depressed(still am) – not because I lost my job. I lost my identity many years b4 that. To me without a father I had no identity, I had the love of my moms, then she passed and I was without an identity or love. I had nothing to lose.
Trust me I am taking responsibility EVERY DAY. Yes, I might have been better off homeless, but I don’t know that for sure(I might have been introduced to meth on the streets). All I know is that I made MANY wrong choices and will continue to pay for them for the rest of my life, however long or short it may be.
Maybe I did the meth to fit in, you might have a point there, coz I never felt I fit in anywhere. I will talk more about that on the forum.
I continue to help myself and attend therapy and my out-patients addiction program weekly (which also has doctors and lawyers and trust they also took it to extremes). You gotta understand that addicts are good at hiding and lying, so the doctors and lawyers u say u know might be involved in stuff u know nothing about. Most meth addicts eventually lose whatever stability they have. Most of my friends only found out I was on meth after about the 1st year on it.
Things aren’t always as they seem.
“only dealing with high-end clients at this time, so I deceived myself that it was cool. Plus, I was topping them, so it wasn’t that risky – that’s what I told myself. Then one of my white clients, who had more money than sense offered me a ridiculous amount of money to have sex all night with him on crystal meth. He wanted us to both do the meth.”
Right here is what I mean about his EGO he sounds racist in his tone and the fact that he says the client had more money then sense well the client still has his “money” and you have nothing because you allowed him to introduce you to something that you never took the time to find anything about about. Do you know the properties of meth on the period table of elements do u know how it is created in meth labs or called the “white man’s crack”?
You allowed your EGO to take you under plain and simple and the only thing that I hope others take from this is leave your EGO at the door, allow you to say “NO” to something that you may need to “research” about.
I think you might be reading WAY too much into that statement. I’m not getting racist or ego – stupidity and greed, maybe. I am quite sure if it was a black client, he would have said “a black client with more money than sense”.
Plus you are making a whole bunch of assumptions. How do you know he hadn’t researched meth and exactly how is it relevant? Some people research meth and STILL take it, hence the stupidity.
And FYI – the client who introduced him to meth is now in a rooming house, lucky to be alive, so NO he doesn’t still have his money. He lost his place when Duane was staying there, they were both severe addicts at that point.
What made you assume the white client still had HIS money?
Sometimes, assumptions make us sound like the very thing we are accusing someone else of being. That’s why I prefer to ask questions.
@Hudson – I know a few doctors and lawyers myself who have got caught up in meth and lost EVERYTHING. God doesn’t give you special powers to deal with the hold meth has on your life, based on your degree or profession. They might have stability now, but sooner or later, they will lose it. Don’t be fooled by the facade.
I am not sure his ego got him into hooking and crystal meth , I think his lack of self-esteem and maybe greed did.
Glad to see that Duane is feeling lighter – can’t wait for the forum!
Yo Hudson WTF are u on? You sound like a racist, you sound like a racist black gay man. Making all these assumptions. It’s like you think white dudes on meth don’t lose their stuff, or black men don’t know how to research online. What planet are you on man?
You are not seeing the bigger picture and what the purpose of the story was. Let’s not turn this into some post about racism – maybe you are having a bad week or something, so I ain’t even going there with u. This is an inspirational story about addiction, depression, bereavement and hopefully survival! Let’s not make it negative.
Hello-
again man I am going to be real I have no family (but this is not about me) and I have PNP before and have walked away from it on my own terms because I had and kept control and didnt allow it, myself and others to be the driving force in my decisions.
You have people putting band-aids on the scars when you have to cleanse them and you need to stop blaming DAD and the death of your mom (RIP to her) that is not what drove you to this…you lost your job (as you said because you called in) someone planted the seeds that you would make a great escort and you allowed the seed to grow when times got desperate for you.
I thought at first you were pink slipped no you lost your JOB…YOU got you fired….that’s real talk.
I knew it was time for me to stop PNP because when I walked down the street with my buddy I could see the devil in him as I talked about being in control of my choices and he looked as if he wanted to take me under.
People do that do you know how your body works, the neurons in your brain and how meth feeds it because it is giving you something a way to see if you can survive the storm and you survived it but it cost you so much more then your apartment and a career it cost you EVERYTHING…
you are now a shadow of your former self. You will have the “hunger” for tina for the next nine years (if you have not been told that already) I know that you are probably having tina enduced dreams and thoughts if not you are still hiding behind the facts the facts are you did good and I hope the story helps others, but you at 30 years old made this decision because people saw you as a MARK a target and you got on the rollercoaster ride of your life.
May you be well man
We all can lose everything many have in this economy but have they turned to prositution and or DRUGS…and guess what the super power of your BELIEF system and controlling your life is a very powerful thing and that can and will save you from anything….i’m not in no way putting him down and we all have our own paths but in order for him to see the REAL value in this path he chose to take is for one to be real with him…end of story…we all can be one way from a bad choice but a 30 year old man needs to be help accountable he is not a kid he is a MAN
Hudson, I think it best for you to continue this with Duane on the forum, if he chooses to – maybe then you will get exactly where he is coming from. I sat down with him for a couple of hours and I can honestly say I don’t believe he is blaming anyone. Giving a background story is quite different from blame. We all grieve differently and he won’t be the first or last person to lose his/her job as a result of said grief. That is fact, not blame – he blames HIMSELF for not handling the grief differently. He blames himself for becoming a meth addict, having raw sex and possibly infecting others. There were existing issues, not covered in the blog post, which he will be addressing on the forum.
No one is walking on eggshells here, or treating him like a kid(he doesn’t even like that), but I think Duane more than anyone else is aware of the fact that he lost his job and he is a shadow of his former self(so I’m not really sure what repeating it, in the manner in which you did, is supposed to achieve). He decided to become an escort, he owns it. He had bareback sex, took crystal meth and became an addicted bareback hooker – he owns it. He eventually lost his apartment, he owns it. He contracted HIV and was diagnosed with AIDS – he is living it.
He is committed to owning his mistakes and taking the necessary steps to make amends and grow. There is nothing wrong with tough love, but at this point I think it can be delivered with a little more compassion. Written words have a way of coming across harsher than spoken words, it is something I have to be mindful of frequently.
Just because you have dabbled in the PNP lifestyle doesn’t mean you know everything about HIS experience, which was how you came across(especially in your 2nd comment). I am glad you walked away from the PNP lifestyle, relatively unscathed and hope you have explored what took you there to begin with. Maybe that is something you could share with us on the forum, it might be helpful to others. Or, if you prefer to tell your own story of meth use, the PNP lifestyle and how you overcame it, I would gladly put it on the blog.
Enough of this Hudson character. I guess his BELIEF system taught him it was ok to be a jerk, that’s not tough love. Jeez what an EGO! The super power might have helped you stop PNP, now all you need is therapy for a character adjustment.
Let’s keep the focus on Duane, who didn’t have to share his story. Duane, I’m glad you went for a walk today and are feeling a lil lighter bruh. Keep fighting and see you on the forum!
wow, just got up from a nap.
I have no problems discussing with Hudson on the forum, which will be live latest tomorrow – apparently u guys are doing some last minute security tweaks etc. Hudson u got me wrong man and just because I got AIDS don’t mean I can’t tell u, u kinda came off like a jerk LOL, but I appreciate the effort. I choose to believe it was coming from a good place, just delivered wrong. Get to know me B4 u jump the gun man. I OWN and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for ALL my actions – just figured a bit of background would help u guys figure out where I was mentally at the time.
Appreciate all of u and see u on the forum tomorrow!
Heavenly Fathers,Duane your courage and streanght has been unmatched. Hope you find that light you need to through the darkeness of your past. I Honor and admire you…
Storm,when you strated this story your said.”some of you may find this dpeeply distrubing” I was thinking,,(before I read on) Wow a black gay serial killer! This mans story is LIFE!! Period. This mans story exosted in 1976 when aids case zero and a group of white gay friends( they were bigots) contrated the first cases of aids,before we had the work HIV. a few of them in that group went through. what Duane has in 2011. Its Life..
There are a lot of insensitive gay men today,people that have hiv are still shunned and looked at like,”you deserve what happeend to you attide,but as in life.. popel with that attitude cant garuantee they owont suffer from a flie chaning event. Think of the str8 men that have gond into prison and are raped by hiv positve men? Those are the Men that would have had that same apathic attitude before entering the prison system. Its funny how poeple loose thier apathy when they are confronted with the exact same issue as the very people they vilify…
I can tell you this…I don’t share things about myself that allows other people to judge me I used the facts of mm PNP as a basis of what controlling your behavior and seperating yourself from situations before you step in the RING of life differs from allowing situations and people to take you through the fire..
his story is great dont get me wrong but in his backgroung of telling the story from one human to another he did shift accountibility and responsibility and again that was his choice, the interview even said it himself…
i have nothing against him (again I dont know him) but there is something I do know because i have five brothers and sisters who do this same thing…DENIAL, shifts in accountibility….
many people lose there jobs we all one pay check away from homelessness but he started escorting to save his apartment and then he still lost it…I am going to make sure I am on tomorrow because african americans do this way to often (watch the movie or read the play spinning with butter and you will know what I mean)
yes this is about me my outcome and story ended when I walked away I didnt lose anything in the process because that is because I seperated myself from who i was (outside the scene) from who I was inside and I took weeks off at a time, his issues led him to feed his EGO…a real therapist will tell you that…a real therapist would have given you Trazedone (it has the same proerties of meth) but it does the reverse it puts you to sleep and cleans you out…
there is so much to learn out of life and if we took the time to listen and undertand we will know how to keep ourselves from “burning” even when we want to “play in the flames” it like bungy jumping its an adrenaline rush, endorphines men have to know that they can survive and take risks its in our DNA…
LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT…No one else…YOU
@HUDSON
Sometimes it is good to just listen and not speak. What you think you know needs to be discovered by the other person, which is why children never follow their parents advice as they need to make mistakes for themselves.
I believe this is why everyone thinks you are sounding like an ego maniac. This is his story not yours. So how you think he should have behaved, simply because you behaved in an other way when it happened to you is irrelevant. This is his lesson to learn..
I also believe that you are actually projecting all the accountability issues that you have with your siblings on this story. So it might actually be more appropriate for you to share those examples, as you actually experienced that with them. As opposed to make judgements on a person from a second person article that you read, and try and convince us on the validity of your beliefs as it pertains to him.
Maybe that way he will see the similarity of his and their lives and make that connection, FOR HIMSELF…
Duane thank u 4 sharing man. I just want u 2 know that ur story has helped me. I don’t think I’m at the out of control addict phase yet, but sho nuff on the way. I been smoking Tina for about 3 months now, but in the last 2 weeks more than b4. I read this blog yesterday just freaked out – don’t know why. got high and had crazy sex. Imma get help later this moRning.
Thank u guys for the info, love, support & bringing somethin diferent.
Thank you Storm and Duane for this very insightful piece. I am 32 years old, and have been an escort and an on and off again meth user for about two years. I am currently clean (thank GOD), but the stories I could tell you when I used to PNP, the pornstars who I did it with, etc. it’s all mind blowing. The bottom line is the message has got to get out to our black brothers that this crystal meth shyt is garbage and it ruins lives and this escorting thing is nothing but paid slavery for these white men are living out their Mandingo fantasy. I wish you the best in your recovery Duane, and I love you brother.
duane, thats a powerful story. thanks for sharing with the world. Please don’t give up and fight the good fight. But know you can find peace in Jesus. He Loves you and HE died for us. Please put your trust in him and he can set you free
Stay Blessed!!!
Duane,
I first want to say god bless you man. Secondly thank you for sharing your story I can relate with most of your story minus the Meth. I myself have been dealing with being a gay black man having Aids. I was doing a lot of ripping and running and got caught up.. I. Became sick in 2002 and was inthe hospital alittle over a month was diagnosed with Cryptococus Meningitis my numbers were so low my body began shutting down.. I became depressed for years wouldn’t take my meds and got sick all over again.. Sad to say I’m still not taking my meds which is beyond stupid on my part..Without going into play by play details of the things I’m still doing until this day… I want u to know after I read your story it gave me hope again. I called my dr and made an appointment for this Thursday… i haven’t. Seen her since june of last year…. So Thank U…… I hope u touch more lives….
After reading this I feel myself shaking (just a little), and I pride myself on not being the squeamish type.
I would just like to thank Duane for his openness and authenticity.
This interview is very important because this type of behavior is RAMPANT amongst a large segment of black gay men. Our HIV/AIDS rates are atrocious. The information about STD’s is out there but we are, for lack of a better term, fucking ourselves into oblivion because we hate each other and ourselves. Reading the sexual aspects of the story I was struck by how there seemed to be no joy, compassion, or care in these random sex acts…It was just all FUCKIN. Get on and get off. That is so sad.
Again, I am glad to have read the interview; and I think Duane is a wonderful person (whether he knows it or not).
With Love…
Toddy.
This is my first time on this site and I have been encouraged and blessed to read these blogs. Duane I truly want to say to you be ENCOURAGED! The Lord has allowed you to go through these experiences for a reason. I know you can’t understand it now, but you will in due time. I am a brother who have been positive for the past 25 years! I am blessed to have never been sick but it is not because I have been so good. I was depressed when I found out my status back then and wanted to kill myself. I had to pray hard!!!!!!! You can and will make it! I will pray for you and for your peace. Thank you so much for honesty and openness.
I Love You & I Bless You!
David
Bored on my 15th hr of a 17 hr shift at work and I get linked here through Rod 2.0′s blog. Wow, this really woke me up. This could be any of us! Eff the judgmental and condescending comments, the smartest people make the biggest mistakes sometimes, and just sometimes they are irreversible.
Duane, thanks for sharing your life experiences, knowledge is invaluable and if it saves just one person from making the same mistakes then it was well worth it.
Looking forward to checking out this site more, glad to have found it in its infancy.
Yo Duane, I’ll catch you in the forums, I’m about your age and live in BK as well, more than just comments n shyt on here you may need a friend, and I am in need of an Xbox partner, and someone to eat all these sugar-free cookies my geriatric mom keeps dropping off at my apt, LOL. Anyway, stay up man.
I think it is great that Duane spoke out. God is the only one to judge. Check this out Duane http://fcbcsermons.com/archive/?p=1095 it might help you. Storm great interview.
Thanks for sharing Duane be strong and know that although you are responsible for your actions the fucker who gave you the meth knew exactly what he was doing. I refused to give a guy I met coke. I told him hed like it too much. I had the same thing a mf not only wanted me to do meth he bought me a pipe too! I ran, gave up the coke and weed too. Been celebate for 4 years to clear my head and focus on loving myself. I hope you find the bond that 2 men in love can share it’s all we need.
Really all to true is your story. I own a adult Website “edited” and we do a lot of bareback videos. As risky as that is, i have put a few of my top stars out if and when i find out thay are doing coke and pasta and other drugs in their down time.
Once you start to become a addict, you will sell not only your ass but your mothers also if you can find her. Great story and thank you for telling it straight from the heart.
I live in South America and its all too easy to get pure cocain for about $1. UDS. People think its like poping m&ms here, Since i am currently in the reigon that produces the some of the best coke in the world, people take pride in the fact that Americans love thier product and that we buy 80% of thier product even though by the time the person on the street gets it its cut 50% or more.
Stay off the drugs and fall in love with your own penis and ass. I love myself and want to keep having sex all over the world for the next 50 years and i know and have seen how coke and meth and others really kill that dream.
When you live in Brazil and Dominican Republic and Jamaica double digit
penis is everywhere.Nobodys 10/13 inches is worth the problems of getting sick.
I will contact the owner of BGMB and ask to reprint this interview on my website in the fourm .
Duane, best wishes to you and take care of what you have because you never know what thw future holds.
Best wishes
J.Samuel
jorges Crew L.L.C.
Duane,
I’ve have been profoundly moved by your story. Yesterday, I happened upon this blog through another site. I have not stop thinking about you and your story since I read it.
I am not unlike many of the other readers here. I am a doctor, well-established, confident, achievement-oriented, fairly good-looking, and athletically built. From a distance, I seem to have it all, but upon closer inspection, one can see that I’m headed for trouble.
I started to experiment with meth about two years ago. I am truly an “occasional” users. In the past two years, I have used it about five times. But, I have enough sense to know that there is NO such thing as “occasional” use of a drug as addictive as meth. The intensity of this drug is beyond belief. I am a very inhibited person in all phases of my life, especially sex, but smoking meth allowed all of those inhibitions to fall away. When I used meth while having sex, I became a sexual beast! I never went so far as to have raw sex. In fact, I was asked to leave a few parties because I would NOT top or bottom without a condom. The pressure for raw sex in those scenes is enormous, but I managed to fight the pressure, and even fight my own internal conflict about bareback sex. Through the grace of God and only God, I am hiv-negative. I was able to fight the pressure and temptation to do it raw.
I know that God grace is bountiful, but I also know that eventually this behavior would eventually catch up to me. I have tried to convince myself though that I am smarter, more controlled, and more cautious than most people, and that the meth was only for sex, but I realized that this type of denial is the surest way toward self-destruction. I just need a reason to put this knowledge to action. Your story has given me that reason.
Forgive me for being melodramatic, but your honesty has changed my life. You should feel like you are helping brothers by telling your story. Last night when I got home, I deleted my adam4adam profile and then deleted all of my PNP contacts. I have done this before, but this time I mean it. I am sure of it. Even before reading your story, I have been having premonitions, nightmares, and a sense of foreboding that I was headed for big, life-changing trouble. Your story of lost and then redemption and healing has been an inspiration to me like no other.
Today, I am putting down the lure, excitement, lust, pleasure, ecstasy of meth and learning to repair my life that is so often fueled by loneliness, anger, isolation, and anxiety.
I love you even though I don’t know you. I love you because we are all a part of the same family. May God continue to bless you, and may you continue to walk in his light.
Hi, thought i should share as someone who has been through almost ALL of what this guy has been through. I have been through the whole meth use, addiction, PNP, gangbang and the seedier gang underworld that most people seem to be involved in yet they speak not much of. Suppose most even deny being members to this group due to fear and other reasons. My first Meth experience was to say the least not enjoyable, was offered some at a party, and didnt take a shine to it. As time went by, i continued to shun it but took other drugs instead. My spiral down this slippery slope began when i went through a really traumatic experience that i to this very day am trying to come to terms with. Before someone starts pointing a finger- you will find that this is no excuse. From my own personal experience, most Meth users use it as a coping mechanism. It numbs the pain and somehow makes dealing with the issues at hand easier. As my use became heavier and heavier, your paradigm also changes- losing weight and having sex with people you wouldnt have given a second look become the norm. Most of the people i hang out with at that time were ´damaged´but did not view it as such, they saw it as just having a good time. My turning point came when a good friend of mine had a serious talk with me and in that instance, i turned around and from a person who was smoking the stuff 24/7(sometimes went for 5days binges with no sleep whatsoever, then crashing for 2days), as soon as i got up i would be back on it, smoking and looking for the next fuck. Surprisingly, i did manage to keep my job. I slowly started to cut back on the amount of which i found to be very crucial in getting off, as my body was so hung up on it that just the mention of the word ´Meth`sent my heart pumping and all excited. Being the person i am, i did this on my own and have not touched Meth in over 1year now, reasons being that i started to work on my underlying issues/trauma, and that slowly made me realise that i could do this afterall. The gay community from my own experiences, HIV poz people use it the most and has reached alarming proportions, with parties and events geared towards such. Moderation in my opinion is key, as well as honesty. Finger-pointing and play self-righteous, though being prevalent does not solve anything. Before my addiction i thought addicts were weak people, but this is not always the case- having a strong support system in terms of friends and loved ones around you could help…Those were my 2cents. Could i take Meth again?
Duane, I think you are a very brave and very human. Be kind to yourself, take your meds and heal physically and emotionally. And know that anyone you had sex with is responsible for their own health, not you. If we are going to do it raw we can blame no one else but ourselves for the consequences. If we all live as though everyone has HIV we can chose to protect ourselves each and every time. It is our choice. Take care of your depression man, it seems to me the anger and loss fueled your depression and subsequent choices. Take care.
My heart was racing while reading this. I am praying for Duane and wish him the best of everything. Life is not fair and it is not easy. But, we can make choices in life to balance the fairness in our favor, and it makes life easier.
Hey Duane I was just wondering if you could compare and contrast your views on humanity and society during your “haye day” and now
Thank you so much Duane o wherever is you name,
I Dont now you but God yes.
I do belive I am the guy which you saved wiht u testimony.
I want to meet you one day bur if this its just no possible going to ask for more miracles for you. Because maybe you dont know but in your life miracles are happening, and they comming yet. you will see.
peace
Wow! That was deep but completely related able as well. I too am positive and received my AIDS diagnosis the year after graduating high school in which I turned to self destructive behaviors in order to forget. There are so many negative driving forces that can cause young gay black men to self hate instead of help. We need role models within the gay community and not just in major cities but also in those small middle america towns. Duane, you have second chance which a lot of people are as fortunate to receive. Stay positive brotha. I am sure it will all work out as for I am living proof.
I came across this blog by accident because I was bored surfing the Internet. I am an advocate for those suffering from depression or a mental health disorder. I have battled depression/bi-polar for several years. A lot of it has to do with my being gay, only child, lonely, and not accepted by the black community. Due to my being in the closet, I befriended a male hustler in the 90′s here in DC. He and I messed around a few times, but penetration never took place. He never charged me because he was attracted to black men. He’s from Guatemala. We became friends and I saw he had a good heart, but he made bad choices in his life. I always had a sexual hang up about getting penetrated or being penetrated. I have mostly lived my adult gay life mostly as a recluse because AIDS/SIDA is very serious here in Washington, DC. Duane, I can’t judge you for what you done in your life. He who’s without sin should cast the first stone. We all have done things in this life, straight and gay, that we aren’t proud of. As I read your story, tears came down my face because I thought I had problems. When I look at what you are dealing with or going through, I give thanks to the heavenly father for blessing me with my health, a roof over my head, food, clothes, income, and all my bills paid for this month. Recently, I’ve had problems with my faith in God. I felt, God had abandon blacks and we were cursed because it seemed to me, whites were blessed with all the finer things in this life. I was wrong Duane because I realized, God loves all of us regardless of our race or the bad things that we have done in this life. We must ask for his forgiveness before the end. I truly believe, we are in the last days on earth based on what’s happening in the world. When I am feeling down and depressed, I put on the music ‘How I Got Over’ by Mahalia Jackson. This song always uplift my soul and spirit. Peace be with you Duane. Dois te bendiga! (God Bless You Always)
Duane,
You are loving, loved and lovable just because you are you. Love yourself. You deserve it. You are not alone. I’ve got your back. Be strong in the Lord and the power of His might. God loves you just as you are. He made you and He did not make a mistake. I love you brother.
Be blessed.
OMG, I dont even know what to say afta reading your story Duane. I know u have courage and strength to be able to share all of that. U R 1 of gods children and he loves U and will not forsake U, jus take care of yourself and believe. Jus by sharing U R helping so many people, and STORM is jus the BEST, he is right on top of his game with this interview. Keep it coming we need more outlets that are more positive like this and not so sex driven for us BGM. This is NYC the land of plenty U can get sex anywhere. We need to love one another and keep it safe and C that we all live on to C everyone in their old age and shit. I just did not want to end on a somber note, be blessed and safe and be well 1luv Duane.
Wow, this is my first time on this website. This story is…moving to say the least. Duane I hope you are still holding on strong. I really do admire you for your strength and will to share such a touching story to us all. I am a young man, and much of your description fits how I am today (height, size and all). THANK YOU FOR THIS INTERVIEW! Much respect and love to you and the creator of this website.
Duane,
You are very inspirational. I believe god uses people as testimony to deliver others and you are truly a blessing. Thank you for sharing you story as I will embrace it and sharer with friends that are at risk of losing there lives….Take care brother and may you be richly blessed.
I am, like everyone else, in no place to pass judgement on anyone or their choices. Yes, the money is good and if you enjoy sex it’s great. He is not asking for any sympathy and being upfront and honest which is admirable but you can’t be surprised with AIDS when you had that much countless unprotected gay sex..I don’t care black, white, top or bottom. We also can’t blaim him for infecting other men it all comes down to choice, accountablity, and personal responsibility. Good bless you Duane.
A very moving and touching interview., I would love for Duane to write his book, everyone, esp black men need to read his story. I thank him for beig so open and honest and sharing a very personal part of his life. Hopefully this will touch one person if not many to maybe take a look at what ever they may be going through and know that there is hope and survival. I have been there in so many ways mysrlf, bb and escorting, smoking weed and getting drunk. His story is a great one and needs to be told over and over again. Thanks man for being you and I wish you all the best and keep eating
Duane,
I send you my love and prayers.
The path that you walked is one so many of us have started out on. The courage to share your story with honesty, I hope hits a cord with those of us who are at that crossroad.
Thank you for your true.
Others, just take a moment to look at your life or those around you. If you are in a space where you drink, do drugs, or have sex to ease your inner pain, please seek help. There is no shame in therapy.
One Love
Duane, this interview was posted some time ago, but like most responses my sentiments are the same. I’m 28 so I’m pretty much in your age bracket and to hear about what you’ve been through really touches my heart. I understand depression. I am bi-polar II so I can relate to escape through external sources. My only dalliance with drugs has been weed and suffice to say I’m addicted, so that lets me know that I DO NOT need to venture on to anything else. So I get addiction and I get depression. You are still alive and as long as you are on this Earth you have purpose. By speaking your truth and being honest about your experiences you are fulfilling your purpose and helping more people than you know. I really empathize with you and I wish you nothing but the best. Know that you are loved and appreciated by a myriad of people that you don’t even know. Please stay encouraged and be positive. I feel that through all of this you will be fine and you will recover. You will have a renewed source of fulfillment and you will touch the lives of all you encounter. I send positivity and love your way. God Bless.
Love,
A.
Keep your head up.
I two have found mysefl being positive and suffuring from depression and it has not been easy but I just wanted to say Just hold on and maybe God will have mercy on us all. I wanted to say thank u for telling your story and hopes that others may read and learn something and not be so judgemental because u never know where u may find yourself in this life… I pray for u an myself and the host of others that are out there living with this mess . Thank u and i am going to try to find hope from this and try to live my life much better….
that was a story that I could relate to because of my former addiction to drugs and sex people don’t realize how hard it is to share a story like that they don’t realize how hard it is to get sober or how hard it is to deal with depression I did read one young man’s comments that showed me that we still have hateful and ignorant people in our own community God bless you take care of yourself and most of all listen to your doctors