When we think about black gay men coming out, we often picture a younger black man, probably in his early twenties, coming out to his mom, or parents(who might still be providing for him financially). It is very easy to forget that for many black gay men, the whole coming out experience doesn’t occur until much later in life. Some of us come out in our thirties, forties and even fifties. In some respects, I think it takes a lot of guts to come out later on in life. You already have solid history with so many people, at home, at work and probably at church – their perception of you is based on who they thought you were for the last 10, 20, 30 years. Coming out later in life can be a very daunting prospect and it is very inspiring to hear stories from those, who chose to live their truth, regardless of age. For some, it can also be easier, in the sense that your are financially independent , so any repercussions are unlikely to affect your practical living situation, finances etc.
Cleon T, a former active Black Gay Men’s Blog member, shares his coming out experience (at age 47) with us. Coming out is a very individual thing and not for everybody, but I just love stories like this one and hopefully, it might inspire someone out there thinking about revealing their truth to family or friends.
You know, for the most part I live a pretty low-key lifestyle not because I’m gay, I’m just a private person when it comes to my personal life. Although I did not have the stress or self-imposed pressure of “coming out” and sharing it, publicly I know there is a need to share your story in our community, here’s mine.
For some reason in my late 20′s I told my best friend who was also a co-worker I was gay. I just wanted to shock him (part of my personality) and see what he was going to say. It was spontaneous and just rolled it off my lips as a matter of fact. He said something smart like “and what do you want me to do about it” and I laughed. Now at that time I didn’t identify as being gay, below I will tell you why.
I had my first man on man sexual encounter at age 19 in my Sophomore year in college with a married Freshman student (he was from Gary Indiana and had a wife and two children). It was a cool seduction, unexpected and it was a good first time experience. It was at my off-campus apt. I had a Freshman girlfriend at the time at the same college. After that first sexual experience I eventually had more sexual experiences with other guys at the college(s) who I never expected to kick it with men. At some point I dropped my girlfriend (not because I was kicking with under-cover brothers, which was the closes term I heard back in the 70′s), just those typical girlfriend/boyfriend problems.
So, in the 70′s, 80′s and 90′s I was kicking it with dudes who were living a heterosexual lifestyle (married, living with women, dating women, had girlfriend(s) and married pastors) I wasn’t a hoe, remember this spanned over three decades. lol
One time I had just finished having sex with this straight brother and was just lying there on bed and began thinking about him and other straight brothers I had been kicking it with. I thought about them having relationships, some with kids and having what I wanted. What came across my mind was frightening, I was going to be growing old alone. That was in 2001. I decided then I would start looking for a relationship with a single man and he had to be gay. I had to go into the gay community to find him.
Before I started dating guys in the gay community I told my mother I was gay, something she had been asking me for years and I kept answering with no. For me, being gay was more than about sex, it was a lifestyle and I wasn’t living a gay lifestyle, I was just having sex with men. I told my mother and 2 brothers I was gay because I was going to date men and I needed to know if they would be open to my bringing men around their family functions if I wanted to. I didn’t care if they didn’t like the fact I was a homosexual, I was prepared to work around their issues on it.
My “I’m gay” announcement wasn’t a welcome relief nor a big weight off my shoulders by telling them, it was for practical reasons I told. I think the fact I was 47 at the time and independent I didn’t care about their opinion. They all happen to be receptive, which was a good thing but even if it wasn’t it didn’t matter, it was my life. That’s my coming out story!
Thanks to Cleon, for sharing his story! It just goes to show, it is never to late to come out, if that is what you choose to do, whether your reasons are to finally live your truth, or for practical reasons, as Cleon says his was. We will be bringing you more coming out stories and videos from black gay men of all ages. Share Your Story with Black Gay Men’s Blog.
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Cleon, thanks for sharing your story. I too think it takes some balls to come out later in life. A lot of older black gay men never get the courage.
One thing is confusing, you say “My “I’m gay” announcement wasn’t a welcome relief nor a big weight off my shoulders”. That seems like maybe you are not being totally honest with yourself, just from an outsider looking in. Unless you were comfortable telling lies for years, how could it not have been a relief? I think some of us try to downplay what it meant to us, but I would think even a pathological liar would feel some relief at being able to finally tell the truth. Maybe you meant something else, but this is the only part of your story I found odd.
Thank you for your reply Jaheem, I want to address your comment. One size doesn’t fit all in coming out so what may be confusing in my story is it doesn’t fit what you heard before. My not “coming out” before the age of 47 wasn’t me suppressing my homosexuality, being in denial or internalize homophobia and therefore no weight that had to be lifted off me. In my rational thinking, being gay as I saw it wasn’t about sex it was a about a gay lifestyle and I was not living a gay lifestyle.
There’s a believe among a number of black gay men that if a man has sex with another man, he’s gay, period. For me and the heterosexual guys I had sex with we did not experience anything more beyond sex. Several years ago the CDC created another category for for guys like us, MSM, men who have sex with men. Let me share some information with you about MSM.
There’s growing evidence that many men who have sex with men aren’t all gay or bisexual. According to the Centers for Disease Control, more than 3 million men who self-identify as straight secretly have sex with other men-putting their wives or girlfriends at risk for HIV infection and other sexually transmitted diseases.
In a New York City survey that appeared in the September 19, 2006, issue of the Annals of Internal Medicine found that nearly 1 in 10 men say they’re straight and have occasional sex with men. In addition, 70 percent of these men are heterosexually married.
To best understand these men, therapists and clients had to differentiate four terms that are often confused: sexual identity and orientation; sexual preferences; sexual fantasies; and sexual behavior. Contrary to common usage, they aren’t always in alignment.
Sexual identity and orientation encompasses one’s sexual and romantic identity, in which thoughts, fantasies, and behaviors work together in concert. It’s the alignment of affectional, romantic, psychological, spiritual, and sexual feelings and desires for those of the same or opposite gender. Sexual orientation doesn’t change over time. One’s sexual behaviors and preferences might change, but like one’s temperament, one’s orientation remains mostly stable.
The term “MSM” also refers to how someone self-identifies, not how others may categorize him or her. Some people self-identify as straight, while others self-identify as gay or lesbian, bisexual, or questioning. It’s important for therapists to ask their clients how they self-identify, regardless of with whom they have sex.
I’m quite aware of the MSM concept, as well as that NYC survey in 2006 – it really has nothing to do with what I said. I was talking about your story and your statement, not about however you choose to label yourself.
You don’t have to use the “gay” label to be relieved about not having to lie to your mother anymore, even though she already knew. You kept answering no when she asked you – you were lying. Most people would be relieved they no longer have to lie, whether they are straight, gay, bisexual, MSM or confused. As the old saying goes – “the truth will set you free” – that was the point of my comment.
All that other stuff is just taking away from your story. If what you wanted us to take away from your story was about being MSM, you should have shared or written an article about that. This story was about coming out – most of us get something positive from the experience and it is usually associated with the freedom to finally be able to be honest. That is normally the whole point of coming out stories – not to teach us about MSM, which we already know.
Jaheem, although you feel the info had nothing to do with your response, the way your feelings about MY Story landed for me it does. Each of us have are own experiences that aren’t neatly packaged into “the norm”. My saying no to my mother is my truth whether you accept it or not. For me and other men I have dealt with sexual prior to coming into the gay community we did not consider ourselves as gay. There were no conversations of today about Tops, Bottoms, Closeted, Openly gay, masculine, effeminate, coming out, AIDS didn’t exist. There was no kissing, hugging, foreplay, holding hands.
I never went to any gay clubs, bathhouses, gay sex parties, glory holes, dated men, nor danced with a man (the first time I did it was funny, we both were leading. I experienced this when I went to my first gay club). I never went to any gay Prides, gay parties, gay discussion groups. I did not have gay friends although worked with gay co-workers. I didn’t know there were any masculine gay men until I went to a gay club. My world was totally heterosexual as these married men, preachers and men who were into women. We just like man on man sex too.
My attempt to explaining my not living a lie nor lying to my mother was to give you info (which now I know you have) to say it was about sex not internalize homophobia. Now I will say that it was a relief to my mother to have the answer SHE wanted. Since you’re not inside my head you can’t experience what I have to know there was no weight being lifted off me when I satisfied my mother’s question. When I told her I said I wasn’t going to educate her on what being gay is (I didn’t know) I told her I’m the same person. It was for a practical purpose, to know how to navigate around any possible homophobia.
Many years later when I went home (Cleveland, Ohio) my mother asked me about the things I did in Atlanta and I said dating men. She said she just that I was experimenting (I didn’t fit the stereotype).
Sorry if my response doesn’t meet your expectation but believe it or not, we all don’t have some heavy weight lifted off our shoulders when we come out to someone.
LMAO – ain’t this about coming out? Dude – MSM is used all over this blog, if he didn’t know b4 he came here, he probably knew B4 he posted a comment.
This ain’t got ish to do with labels, the point being made was that u must have felt good/relieved/glad – whatever u wanna call it to be able to finally tell the truth. All that other stuff is just avoiding the point. Labels ain’t got ish to do with lying to ur momma. No need for a lecture on labels, CDC and therapists, just answer the question – “Unless you were comfortable telling lies for years, how could it not have been a relief?”
I used to call myself str8, when I “came out” to my sis, I told her I was “bi”. Obviously, now I know I love dudes, even though I ain’t told the world. But I felt good to be able to be honest to my sis. It ain’t got NOTHING to do with labels. If u didn’t feel good/better/relieved what’s the point of sharing your story, to tell us that MSM come out too, but yet they have an “I’m gay story”???
His story might inspire someone else. Maybe he thought he had adequately responded to Jaheem’s comment. I get what you are saying, maybe he misunderstood the real point of the comment. I’m sure he’ll clear it up and can we please not make this unpleasant, or turn it into a post about something else. The forum is open today, knock yourselves out LOL.
Hey Storm I clearly understood what Jaheem was targeting on, his belief of me being in denial when I had told my mother no I am not gay over a period of time. If I was in denial and told her I was gay, it probably would have been a big relief but my experience is not what a lot of people have when they came out at a older age. Too often I find in blogs and discussion groups people want to find you wrong in your truth. My responses to a number of these men is it’s my story and my truth. In my truth I was not lying to my mother about not being gay, I was a man having sex with men. Nothing more nothing less. I was glad the CDC created another category for men who have sex with men.
I remember seeing Ricky Martin on Oprah shortly when his book came out about him coming out. Oprah asked him about his relationships with the women in his life if he was living a lie. He responded in saying no, he was sincere, he loved these women, his experience with them wasn’t a lie, it was honest love. He then said, ‘but I knew I was gay”. So she then asked him if he was then, bi-sexual and he said no, he’s gay. Some people probably didn’t get that and say he was living a lie, but I could relate to him. We all are not born in one neat package, we are more diverse.
Hello DLMaxMD, thanks for your response. Believe it or not, everyone’s coming out is not a cookie cutter experience. No it’s not about labels or categories, it’s about an individual. To tell you the truth when I came into the community I did not know there were so label oriented. And get this, when I came into the gay community and contracted with a gay dating service called Options it was the first time I heard some of these labels. The first question on the questionnaire was “Are you a Top, Bottom or Versatile.”? Now I’m “suppose to be gay” (according to your response, in denial), however I didn’t know exactly what these names were referring to and was embarrassed to ask the representative. So I deduced a Top penetrates, a Bottom receives and a Versatile does both. I had given and received but now that I was looking for aLTR I needed to focus on one. By deduction I had determined I topped more than bottomed so I decided to come into the gay community as a Top. However I hoping I got a man where it was about sex not sexual positions. I “came out” to date and find a man for a long-term relationship, not to get a weight off my shoulders. I had the sex, now I wanted substance.
Now I do expect to change your thinking about my truth but hope you realize we all don’t have the same coming out emotions. I’m a person who really never cared about what people think about me. I’ve always been a very private person. If you knew me you would better understand my personality and not try to pigeonhole me into your thinking. Remember, this is my story, my truth not yours.
I like to hear coming out stories of brothers who came out later in life, so thanks for sharing.
I’m too tired to get into it and I’ve seen your other comments, but glad to know you do the same thing to even your own story LOL.
Seriously, thanks 4 sharing man and sometimes, less is more.
Storm, when is the radio show launching? We want Grand Prize on the 1st week!!!
Thanks for giving us a glimpse into ur life Cleon.
I am 45 and about to come out to my family and close friends, so it is nice to know some came out even later in life.
For me, it WILL be a weight off my shoulders, even though I haven’t been in denial for years, I have been lying about who am I and doing the proverb thing.
Wish me luck.
Hi William, Thanks for contributing to this discussion. To me, coming out is a process at any age but it is also about timing and calculation. For those who are older, beyond job security it’s the matter of our family, close friends and family church (or chosen) reaction “to the announcement”. As you read my story,, for me it was a practical purpose and like you I wasn’t in denial all the years before I came out. I also did not know what their (my family) reaction would be and didn’t care if it was negative. I have never allowed anyone to control the way I governed my life after I was of legal age and I wasn’t going to allow it when I came out.
My thing is, whose business is it to know how I live my life; what right does anyone have to ask me if I’m gay unless they have a hot gay brotha they want me to meet’ How does it help my life to tell anyone I’m gay(unless it’s a weight I need to get rid of to become health); What value does it add to either one of our lives (unless we need them for advice about the lifestyle and can they empathized being they are straight.) for anyone to know you’re gay? My hope and prayer is you accept all responses, good and indifferent then continue to live the life you want.
I think a few points should have been made clearer in the story, then maybe, people would have understood it better. I think everybody realizes it is your story and I don’t think anyone was trying to pigeonhole you, they just questioned a part of your story. Coming out is an individual thing and we all experience it differently.
The question, for me, really is – what did YOU get out of your coming out experience and how might other black gay men be empowered by your story? What changed for you after coming out and why bother to come out, if you got nothing out of it? I am sure those are the questions for most. Your initial story might have left a slight question mark, but as you have gone into it here, it has grown into something else, much more than a coming out story.
I am getting some not so nice comments from people(which I am not going to approve) and I just want to remind all of us to be civil. I know there are a few points people find disturbing, questionable or disagreeable, so please feel free to continue the discussion on the forum. I have set up a thread
especially for this blog post. Cleon’s Coming Out Story On The Forum.
This blog is about empowering, enriching and also entertaining the lives of black gay men, bisexuals, MSM and the LGBT community. As we dig deeper into stories shared(especially about coming out, addiction, sex and dating etc), people want to know what was or can be learned, or what the person sharing got out of it.
Appreciate the input from all of you. Cleon, appreciate you sharing your story, feel free to answer the questions people really want to know about your story.
The comments for this article are now closed and if you guys continue the discussion on the forum, please try and be civil. There has to be something we can take from this story, at least, I hope so.
update – Grand Prize is no longer a member here and we have all learned some lessons from this experience. We continue to welcome and encourage visitors and members to share their stories, but the intent behind your story/submission must be made clear. When it comes to coming out stories, the general consensus is that the person sharing should have gotten something from it(good or bad, big or small)on some level.