The Importance Of Putting Our Houses In Order

Black Gay Men’s Blog looks at the importance of putting our financial, legal, health and personal houses in order, so that in the event of an untimely passing or illness, loved ones are not left with one big mess to sort out. Too often, black gay men and the black community in general do not have their houses in order. We don’t seem to be the most practical, when it comes to planning for serious illness and/or the inevitable – death. We have all heard the horror stories about drama when a loved one, friend or family members passes. The vultures swooping down, the fights and all the negativity that takes away from the celebration of the deceased individual’s life. As I said, this often happens in the black community in general, but I want to focus on black gay men, because we face some added challenges heterosexuals often don’t have to deal with.

As some readers know, I recently lost a dear friend of mine, Jay, who passed away almost 3 weeks ago.  I was with him in hospital when he died (actually he died in my arms) and (with the help of his assistant) I was responsible for planning his memorial and clearing out his house, donating what was to be donated etc. Yes, the last month has been pretty stressful, but I have lost friends and lovers in the past and been involved in their care and funeral planning. However, there was something different this time. My stress was mainly from grieving (and the coulda woulda shouldas playing on my mind), all the other practical stuff that had to be done was a breeze, compared to other similar situations. You see, Jay was a very organized individual. In life and in death he had his house in order – everything was written down, it was very clear who was in charge of what and which organization was to get what. The only mess, was that he was gone and it was so sudden – everything else was beautifully taken care of, making my job much easier.

Most of the time, when I have brought up this subject with black gay men, most do not have the necessary legal documents in place, nor do they seem to want to talk about it. Whether we like it or not, we are all going to die someday and even if you still have 30 or 50 years to live, you might become ill and be hospitalized. I’ll give you an all too familiar scenario and then maybe you will understand why it is so important for us to have our houses in order. Malcolm is in a relationship with Greg, they have been together for 4 years. Malcolm falls ill and has to be hospitalized, Greg rushes to be by his side in hospital, but like many black gay men, he is so used to referring to his man as his “friend”, “homie”, “roommate” or whatever the term du jour is. Greg is told that Malcolm is in intensive care and only family members or next-of-kin are allowed to go in to his room. There is no paperwork with Greg’s name on it, so he has to wait 3 longs hours or more for Malcolm’s sister, who thankfully knows about their relationship, to arrive, before he can go in and see his man. Luckily, Malcolm pulls through, but it was touch and go for 2 days, he could have died. Now, imagine how Greg would have felt, if he had died, while he was sitting out there, unable to get to the man he loves. This drama could very easily have been solved by naming Greg as Malcolm’s next of kin(if you are in the USA, he would have to be a blood relative, so you would have to call him your cousin or some other lie, on the hospital form. In other countries, such as the UK your next of kin can be anybody) or a much better legal option would be to have an Advanced Directive and Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care in place. Most of us can’t get married yet, even if we wanted to, so we don’t have the same rights as heterosexual couples and we are so used to hiding our relationships, that we can end up in very powerless situations.

Luckily, there are legal forms that are there to prevent all this unnecessary drama. Of course, you have to see your relationship and your man/lover/husband/roommate (sorry couldn’t resist that last one) as worth validating. Don’t wait until something happens, do it now. If you have regular health care, you can always change your next of kin. Even doing just that is better than nothing at all. I don’t normally advocate lying, but if it could save your man’s life, I’m all for it. You probably know him better than most, you know what meds he might be on, what other health issues he might have. If he can’t speak, you just might have to be the voice for him. Of course, the Power of Attorney for Health care is a much better, legal, option. I am appalled when some family member (who hasn’t seen their sibling or child in 3 years) arrives at the hospital and just takes control, yet the person you share your life with is left out in the cold, powerless. This wouldn’t happen in a heterosexual relationship, but it is up to us to prevent that from happening. You can say you love him everyday, but actions speak louder than words. If you would let him be tossed out like an old dish rag, then you don’t respect him or your relationship. As black gay men, we have to start seeing our relationships as just as valid as heterosexual relationships, if not in times of illness and death it is one big mess.

Jay was working in Europe for 6 months and was due to return this month. Unfortunately, he was air-lifted back to the USA, at his request, last month. He was in critical condition and obviously didn’t make it. He was more than a friend to me, because before he left for Europe, he took me on a weekend trip and poured his heart out to me. We had been friends for a few years, but he wanted more than a friendship. He wanted us to settle down, build a life together, get married, the whole nine yards. He proposed before he left. We spoke often while he was in Europe, trying to work out the logistics of being together – 2 grown ambitious black men, yes, there was some stuff to work out. Unfortunately, he died, but he left me with the greatest gift of all – knowing just how much he loved and respected me. We weren’t “married” yet and to be honest, there was 1 issue we were still trying to iron out, but my name was on paper. Nobody questioned who I was at the hospital, I scattered some of his ashes on the Hudson River in NYC, then flew the rest to North Carolina to meet his family. I didn’t know he had told them who I was and how much he loved me. They were the most decent, caring and compassionate family I have ever met. They referred to me as his fiance and they made me scatter the rest of the ashes under the trees in his grandma’s yard, where he used to love playing as a kid. His favorite aunt, Aunt Glenda and his mom, said he would have wanted it that way.

I returned to NYC and then had to clear out the rest of his house in Connecticut. He was an only child and his mom didn’t try and intervene, in fact she asked me to please do it. He would have wanted it that way – and he did, because he had it all down on paper. There was a Will, a Revocable Living Trust, a Financial Power Of Attorney and an Advanced Directive and Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care. Jay worked in finance and was very methodical, so there were other documents too, but those are the essentials. Every black gay man needs to have those four documents and in addition to that, please make sure you are very clear on details like if you want to be buried or cremated. Things get crazy when people are grieving, you can ease some of the burden and the pain, by having things on paper. As I packed up his belongings, I realized not just how much he loved me, but that he respected himself and me enough to do all that, to have it all down on paper, so there was no fussing, fighting or carrying on. Now, that’s what you call a strong black man!

Sadly, this hasn’t always been the case, when it comes to gay men passing away and black gay men in particular. Gay men have even been known to lose their own property, when families swoop down. Say you guys bought  something on his credit card, but you paid for it, if it is in his name and there is no paperwork, how do you prove it is yours, or that you have any rights to it? At some point you have to stop being a momma’s boy, stop hiding underneath her skirt and become a MAN. We need to get our houses in order!  Yes, your mother and siblings can be there when you are ill in hospital and (as long as you are close) you would want them there. However, if you are in a relationship and you say you love that man, he should NOT be left out in cold powerless, unable to make any decisions. That is no way to treat someone you claim you love, that is no way to treat your relationship and your own life. You don’t have to leave him everything(leave it to your dog if you want), but don’t further emasculate him by having your mother or sister step in and take charge. If you don’t love him enough to put him in charge of your affairs, then why the hell have you spent the last 3, 5 or 10 years with him, especially if you are 30 and above? This is not high school, it is REAL life, adult life. Even if you are single, you still have to decide who you want in charge of your affairs, if you are ill, or when you die. I don’t think blood gives anyone automatic rights to anything, when it comes to my life. Many of us have that close friend, who has been more of a brother to us, than our own blood. He has been there for you through thick and thin, he is the one who will probably be there before your brother, you know the one you don’t really like, arrives and takes over, trying to get his greedy hands on your legacy.  Even if your siblings and parents love you dearly, as a grown up, as a MAN, it should be no surprise that you have another life, or your own family. This is what happens, when people grow up. Being gay doesn’t mean we stay boys forever, being gay doesn’t mean we don’t have to take responsibility, being gay doesn’t mean we have to disrespect our relationships. It is time for black gay men to honor and respect our friendships, relationships and our lives, it is time for us to put our houses in order!

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