Black Gay Men’s Blog Contributor and Author Rafael Solece discusses acceptance: and over coming the hurtfulness that comes with not being accepted by his family. The Journey wasn’t an easy one, but he was able to find his way. But the questions remain: why do black gay men fight so hard to be accepted by their family and friends? Why is it so hard for the black families to accept their gay children? And why do black gay men feel the need to search for their approval? Is it possible for a black gay man to be truly content with himself despite being shunned by the people whose blood flows through his veins?
I like to think that I am a strong, motivated, and self-sufficient individual; who doesn’t thrive on the approval of others. After all I’ve made my own way in the world. I have been working since I was sixteen years old, have several degrees, own my own business, and am a self-published author; and I did it all on my own. I paid my own way through college working a 128 hour work week while supporting a partner, and putting in overtime at night to finish my first book. All that and I am only twenty-eight years old. I honestly beam when I think of what I will accomplish by my thirtieth birthday. One would think that with all that I have accomplished that I would be the shining jewel in my family’s eyes. After all, none of my siblings/cousins/peers have elevated themselves to the level of success that I’ve managed to garner; or even bother to strive for the same success that I do. In fact, they live quite menial lifestyles, and while it sounds a lot like I am bragging, stick with me because I am trying to make a point.
The point is, that between my brother and my six first cousins, I am the only one who has completed college and conquered two careers. On top of that neither my brother nor I have any children (out of wedlock), are in jail, or are facing criminal charges. Yet with all my life achievements, I am constantly compared to those who have fallen short of my own moderate success, and made to feel as if who I am isn’t good enough. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why, I am what they call the “black sheep” of the family. It is a title inherited down from my mother. Like me, though she is supremely successful, she has always been the “single unwed mother.” Her minor slip up as a teenager, having a child while a child, cast a shadow onto her that was unwarranted, and inevitably passed down to her children. Now, like my mother before me I bear the burden of being consistently underestimated and constantly unappreciated. Best of all, to add insult to injury, I am in a word; A faggot!
Harsh I know but I have heard the insults hurled at me on more than one occasion by family members, and even whispered behind closed doors and behind my back. Plus, because of the added insult of my sexual orientation, I have endured for the majority of my life ridicule and now in my adult life outright disrespect. It is sad, but it is true. My family doesn’t think very highly of me. They overlook my triumphs and cheer, and delight at my downfalls. When at all possible they even attack my character. Like most black gay men who come from large families that they love, I don’t altogether own my family’s respect. This leaves most of us with an emptiness empty inside and a yearning to be viewed the same as our peers: equally respected, commended, and loved. We also tend to work overtime for our families acceptance. That is why I, and so many other black gay men, have worked so arduously to prosper on levels which at times would have seemed impossible, given our backgrounds. I suspect that I, like most black gay men, have done so just to gain the respect, admiration, and acceptance of the family that counted us out, a long time ago.
A while ago, a cousin lost his job at Comcast. He has no formal post-high school education, but through the efforts of his son’s mother, an Army veteran, he lucked into a job in Dubai. I heard an aunt say the day after he left: “at least J. is willing to do anything to get a job, even if it means going overseas. Some of us just don’t want to work.” No one could tell me the snide remark wasn’t meant for me, because all month long she has been busting my balls about going back to work. The thing is, I work for myself. But because she doesn’t see the fruit of my self-employment she thinks I am a bum who doesn’t want to work.
At first, the whole statement hurt my feelings, but then it just pissed me off. “How could she say something like that to me?” I thought to myself. But I already knew the answer to that question. She, like a great many other people in my family, don’t view my life choices as smart. Nor do they support my career goals. The time I actually chose to follow a career path that many of them pushed for and in which I excelled (albeit unhappily), I still didn’t seem to impress them or gain their acceptance. Now that I am following a path that is unorthodox to them but personally fulfilling to me, they really use it as an opportunity to impugn my character.
It can be quite lonely being black and gay in America, but even lonelier in a black family. Why? I don’t know; especially when they preach a message of love and support. That is unless you’ve already inherited the title of “Black Sheep” or you’re the faggot living a life of Sin. I finally realized no matter how hard I try, I will never gain the acceptance that I’ve sought from my family, so I’ve decided to stop searching for it. It’s true. I am the black sheep. I own the title. I am also gay, and there ain’t nothing that will change that. So fuck ‘em all! This is ME! From now on, the only person that matters outside of me is The Most High God. I don’t have to work hard for his love, because he was the first to love and accept me unconditionally.
And let the church say Amen!
No related posts.
The truth of the matter is that acceptance is often tied in with Christianity, or at least what most of us call Christianity(and ain’t nobody love Jesus like black folk). Once you have been tarred with the sinner brush, most of your life is negated by black families.
The fact that most of us are NOT taught how to be strong independent men, especially in this single-parent family age, only makes things worse. One of the best things a black gay man can do is to realize that family acceptance is a wonderful bonus, but sadly not the norm. Most of our families are too wrapped up in the church to give us the acceptance we so desperately crave.
From what I’ve seen most black families don’t know how to REALLY accept their gay and bisexual kids. Siblings might be okay(especially sisters), but parents are often a waste of time, when it comes to real acceptance and love. It’s all messed up by what they think Jesus said.
Sad but true…… from what I’ve seen.
Up until the last paragraph of this article I felt rather frustrated. Coming from a similar background and situation I realised in my early teens that seeking the acceptance of my family was a waste of my time and emotional energy and head space. I kept this to myself though until I finished school whereby I promptly told my family I was leaving the nest. We all said our goodbyes and I took off to find my way in the world in a completely different country on a completely different continent.
Now it’s not to say I do not love my family – in fact quite the contrary – but I realised I needed to find myself more than I needed them as I still had a whole life to lead and live with myself. It was the best thing I ever did. It gave me the chance to breathe – something you do not quite understand until it happens. It gave me peace of mind from the usual clutter of family meddling and judgement and interfering etc. It gave me the chance to find myself and make my own mistakes all of which have added immensely to my invaluable life experiences and character – what a privilege. And I say so without arrogance but humility. And yet it still took a while to realise that I had still built a little wall of protection around myself. That wall was to protect myself from some small minded family members. Ultimately I soon realised that I had to let go and let them get on with their lives own lives.
What I have realised from my journey thus far is that your family is one of many facets that make up your beautiful and complex life. Do not waste your time and energy on things that in the bigger picture are not really so important – including your family. The skill is to learn to see that bigger picture. If not, you will have wasted your life waiting for acknowledgment and acceptance and only find a hole left behind when they pass on. The strangest thing is that in time you may well probably get more respect from some (which was certainly the case for me – but another side effect can also be jealousy at your success which is a better challenge to have to deal with). More importantly you will have respected yourself which is far more essential. It sounds corny but only you can live YOUR life. In summary, “don’t let bastards drag you down” (a lyric from a U2 song).
Damn, I felt this one! I’m gonna have to compose myself – read this at work and it sounds just like my story. A lot of us go through the exact same thing.
Why is this affecting me so deeply? Sometimes u read something and it just hits home.
Thanks for sharing man.
Great read…I hope you find self acceptance and love within yourself.
I agree with the person who commented that some black families simply don’t know how to love and accept their gay and bi children. I’m fortunate that my family loves and supports me; however, it didnt happen over night. Its been a process. The difference is I never did anything to garner their support. Everything I’ve done, I did it for me and my happiness/success.
Keep pushing…
I agree with Didn’t Ask Didn’t Tell. I too have the love and support of my family but trust me when I say it took a long time to get to the point where I am now. I can definitely feel your frustration but I just want to advise you not to develop the “jus fuck em” just yet. Family is not only what you make it but who you make it also. Hope relations between you all get better though.
The beauty of family is they do not have to be related to you by blood. I’ve been blessed by creating my own family, some of which are blood relatives and rest people I chose.
We sometimes forget we have a lot more control over our lives than we think.
If we are unlucky with the family we are born into, make a positive attempt to rectify it by creating a family you want. Bring into your life people that accept you and bring you real joy happiness.
Focus on the family members that take you seriously. If you keep fighting something they arent going to change,thats wasted energy. Some people keep that dark negative side about others. ANd the only thing you can do is change your surroundings. Be around people that value you. There are many people who have this problem in thier Families and they arent homosexual. I think its more of a black sheep thing. Even if you werent gay,youd still be the one not takin seriosuly. I do not have a relationship with my mother,not becasue Im gay,but because Im male. MY Mother thinks all men are weak,and she prefers Men who are more like puppets when it comes to relationships.
I have had a great life and my Mother was never a part of that. She never met friends of mine,and is pretty much hated on my dads side of the family. SO I have no interaction with her at all. For people that say,” Hang in there they will come around.” Nonesense,that like asking a racist or homophobe, accept me as equalyy as those you embrace. If someone is strong in an opinion about you,they will only see the negative and embrace that. Its human nature to think negative of something you loath,rather you admit you do or not.
Everyone has struggles,there are people out there that had good parents that lost them for whatever reason and theres an emptiness around them. People who are not accepted by their Families have that same empitness,just not as deep as someone who has lost good Parents do to death. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND MAKE YOU HAPPY! HONOR YOURSELF MORE> In the end its only you that you have to live with,do you really want to look back and think, “all that time wasted trying to get them to see me for who I am,and I missed out on me.” That should be anyone’s life “Slogan”
Well I can attest to this article as it brings about some very strong feelings within me that are parallel to yours. Especially considering where I’m at in my life and my recent coming of age (or coming out) experience in which I thought was not only a triumph but also a blessing. Only have happened months ago, I was overly ecstatic at the fact that my father’s response wasn’t what I had anticipated and thought of it as one of more beautiful moments in my life. Now my mother was a totally different story. Knowing that she used gorge my text message inbox daily (and still does) with every kind of scripture and prayer she could scout the bible for (regarding the TEMPTATIONS of this world), I instinctively knew her stubborn and devout nature and her programmed point-of-view. Perhaps, the only reason why I decided to tell her (like she didn’t already know) was because my father knew but assured me that he wouldn’t be the one to tell her; That it was my duty and I respected and understood that. One attribute of my mother’s that I do admire is her honest. At least when she gave me her response, it was forthcoming. The beautiful thing about the whole situation (or so I thought) was that it seemed as though through all of the bullshit we SGL black men (and women) deal with on the daily, I was slowly but surely constructing a support system in my favor consisting of close family members (sisters, cousins) and close friends and I felt TRULY BLESSED. Moreover, words could not explain the joviality that overcame my spirit knowing that at least one-half of my parents (my father) loved me unconditionally…ACCEPTED ME.
Smoke In The MIRRORS!!!!!
Unfortunately, I presume it all came down hill (my psyche and all) after a visit to see my brother who is sadly incarcerated in a super-max facility somewhere beyond the Rocky Mountains. I made the trip with my father after consenting to go with him in lieu of him braving the mountainous freeways by him lonesome; Plus having not seen my brother in over a year, I thought this was as good a time as any and anticipated a joyous reunion in the name of brotherly love. Knowing that he was one of the last, close relatives to know, I decided to tell my brother who I [really] was. And he accepted me and commented that he suspected all along; “There was no love lost” in his own words. After about a week and now back on my school and work grind (location: somewhere in America), my father decides to make his routine check-up call and recollect on last weeks events. After about a minute of the small talk, his tone abruptly changed from casual to condemning and abrasive as he blamed me for the “letter of sorrow” my brother addressed him immediately following our visit and that he’s now accounting himself for not being the [right] example I needed while growing up. As if this weren’t any bad news to my ears, my father cuts further and insists that that is nothing to be proud of. “P*ssy can fix this” he said under his breathe as if that were ultimatum. Note: I was high from smoking earlier [hehe], so every negative emotion that was about to pour in and expel my inner walks of sanity and composure was to be magnified x 10. I sat still on the phone as the worse chill cut through my flesh like a monsoon of sharp steel and broken glass with a salty aftermath manifested through my entire body with no forecast. I was more in denial and than shock. He might as well told me I was adopted. There was no way I could associate those feelings of contentment and affirmation with the same man who so balefully raped my ears and heart with the day’s news. I could not believe that who I had authorized as the sole sustainer of my very own support system, uprooted and exonerated himself from the foundation only to leave me plummeting towards a pile of rubble, nails, and screws. The day after, I was an emotional, muddied mess.
Where do I go on from here? Are these shattered pieces worth recuperating?
Is the relationship between father (+mother) and son worth salvaging?
Considering the fact that I’m still a college student and have not totally emancipated myself from their authority [for financial reasons etc.], I’m in bit a jam and not really in a position to finally excommunicate myself from them. Nevertheless, I feel the need to cut my ties as soon fate allows. This maybe an over-reaction to my emotions but I feel justified in my plan because of betrayal beyond my overwhelming need of independence. I need stability in my life and I doubt that’s where I’ll find it. I really don’t want to become the BITTER GAY BLACK MAN down the road and find it easy for myself to “forgive and forget”. But in this instance, it is easier said than done, and I can’t even begin to bring my voice to sound out those words at this moment in time. It’s like some arbitrary, biting force that won’t allow me to forget this, much less move on. As bare and honesty as I can be, THAT SH*T HURT!!!!
So….for the author of this article, above all else, I want you to recognize that I and a million other black men and women share your sentiments of frustration, betrayal, and the pain of not being recognized as a human-first, a son/daughter-second and an intricate member of your family/community who you would sacrifice arm and leg for in lieu of their safety and wellness, and that, sadly, you aren’t the recipient of that same respect, appreciation, and love in which you so altruistically give to them. Your not alone in your feelings or notions of withdrawal (or quest for solitude) and solace elsewhere. Work to stay positive, as I am striving to do the same.
P.S. Sorry for the lengthy reply but there were some things I had to get off my heart and out my mind!
Take care