Are most black gay men comfortable in their own skins? Black Gay Men’s Blog, inspired by the YouTube video below, on black gay men changing their behavior in the presence of heterosexuals, decided to briefly explore this issue. How comfortable are we in our own skins and is it possible for black gay men to be truly comfortable and authentic, in straight(or perceived heterosexual company)?
As soon as I watched the video, which was actually about the behavior of black gay men in a club with straight folks, I knew I wanted to explore it on the blog. However, it soon became clear to me that the issue was much deeper than how we behave and treat each other around perceived heterosexuals. It is really about how comfortable we are in our own skins. Even a lot of out and proud black gay men can probably relate to this. Somehow, when we are around straight folks(especially BLACK straight folks), even total strangers, a lot of us automatically feel the need to try and suppress any behavior, which might be seen as “gay”. Why do we care so damn much? When last did your straight friends or associates feel the need to change their behavior in your presence?
Homosexuality is still taboo in the black community, so I’m not suggesting we all tongue each other down and sashay(unless that’s just how you are) in order to prove a point. However, what does it say about you, when you refuse to acknowledge or hug your black gay friends, in the company of heterosexuals? Black straight men hug each other and at the very least, you could always do the brotherman hug. I am all for self-preservation and being safe and would not advise anyone to go flaunting their sexuality in certain neighborhoods, venues or situations(you have to be wise when it comes to choosing your battles), but in a nightclub with 70% black gay men(spending their money) and 30% straight, what are we really so afraid of that we have to try and pretend to be straight? I mean, it is 2011, I am sure most nightclub goers have run into gay men before. Besides why spend your hard-earned or ill-gotten cash in a place where you feel you have to deny a part of yourself? Or are we so damaged that we don’t think we deserve any respect? What we fail to realize, is that by denying others, we are denying a part of who we are. By denying a part of who we are, we send a subconscious message to our psyche that we are less than. This has a direct impact on our feelings of self-worth and with that comes a myriad of issues.
Outside of the workplace, if you surround yourself by people who would be freaked out or repulsed, if they knew or saw the real you, you have to ask yourself why you feel the need to have such people around you. I don’t believe in living in gay ghettos, mentally or physically, especially mentally. I think it is healthier to have a mixture of friends of all sexualities and genders. Unless you are in a really small town, it is possible to find like-minded individuals, who wouldn’t care less who you hugged or said hello to. Even if you are not out to all your friends, does that mean you can’t have gay friends? They probably do, I mean it is 2011. When it comes to being comfortable in one’s skin, the issue is usually fear and has very little to do with one’s straight friends or associates. The fear, which is borne out of experienced or expected homophobia, is what holds us back from being our authentic selves.
A friend of mine, who has an eclectic group of friends, including some straight black hood homies, is a great example of being comfortable in your own skin. Sometimes, while hanging out with said homies, an attractive brother will go by and my friend will make a comment like “that’s a fine black man”. Some of the homies have been known to come out with things like “why u gotta go there with that gay stuff?” etc. At which point, he lets them know that his comment was no different and in fact less detailed than what they say when a sexy female or “shortie” goes by. That usually only happens once. He hasn’t been shot or punched and still has an eclectic group of friends – in a small city(I call it a town) with less than 100,000 people. That’s an example of being REALLY comfortable in your own skin. The fear of expected homophobia does not stop him from demanding respect and living his truth. Sometimes, it takes a gay man with balls to change the homophobic views of certain heterosexuals.
On the flip side of that, we all know or have heard of that black gay male, who will sit right there and even join in the homophobic name calling. Some of us are so terrified of being outed, that we will use homophobic slurs with straight friends. Even some out black gay men will say things like “now, that right there is a fag, I ain’t into all that fag shit” and feel vindicated when their straight friends say “yeah, that’s why I can hang with you, you ain’t no fag!” That is pathetic and sad, yet quite common in the black gay community. Even on social networking and dating sites, certain ignorant black gay men will proudly say things like that. My question is what do you think that says about you? Gay men like that are usually tormented with all kinds of issues ranging from secret addictions to promiscuity, to violence, to clinical depression and suicidal thoughts. That is a true example of self-hatred projected onto other black gay men and self-hatred never has a positive outcome.
In my humble opinion, black gay men give the expected homophobia of the black community and of our families and straight friends way too much power. It is time for us to reclaim some of that power and start leading more authentic lives, it is time for black gay men to get more comfortable in our own skins.
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When I go to the barbershop I don’t switch up my behavior but I definitely don’t mention my sexuality. My reasons for this aren’t shamed based but rather conflict control, I know that if someone makes a crack about me based on my sexuality there would be a lot more than freshly clipped hair strands flying around the room. Most of the other gay men I sometimes see at the shop tend to sit in a corner texting while avoiding eye contact and that is NOT what I do, I’m right up in mix yakking with the homies, I always purposely steer the conversation towards current events and politics because for a lot of the men, my moderated discussions are the only times they ever talk about foreign policy and the like. They respect me by not using gay slurs in my presence and I respect them by not discussing my sex life…. Since I live in San Francisco, it’s the only real time I get to spend with straight or perceived straight black men.
I’ve lived in the States, UK and now I am back in Jamaica, which is known to be very homophobic. In Jamaica getting killed because of your sexuality is very real. However, I do not surround myself with people who do not respect me or use homophobic slurs. I might have to hear certain words as I go about my business day to day, but I can control who I choose to socialize with EVEN IN Jamaica. A lot of us black gay men are so programmed to live in fear and hide who we are, we even do it when there is no need. Why do some of us have to lie about who we are talking to on the phone, when the person in the room with us can’t hear them? It is because we are so uncomfortable in our own skins and we are afraid. I can understand people in small towns but if you live in a big city in 2011, you can demand some respect and you don’t even have to be gay to find ignorance and homophobia offensive. I have straight friends who don’t put up with it either.
What so many of us don’t realize is that you ain’t even gotta reveal your sexuality. If you aren’t out, it doesn’t mean you should sit there and make up stories(usually about some chick) or tolerate homophobic slurs -especially after a certain age.
As far as the situation in the DC club goes that’s just sad. It just shows how deep this problem is. Y’all in a club where you are the majority and still feel the need to front. That’s some serious ish – weakness and low self-esteem all the way. We need to find our strength!
Enjoyed this article. We are always going to have to compromise at work or in some public situations(for now) but the truth is most of us just need to grow a spine! We have bought into all the BS and are crippled by fear. I loved the story about Storm’s friend and the homies – and that’s not even in a big city. Just goes to show there is power in courage. Not suggesting we get stupid and put ourselves in danger, but most black gay men are WAY too paranoid. 9 times out of 10 if you were just yourself, nothing bad would happen and you would feel so much better. Our ancestors fought for freedom and now here we are hiding from our own people, being 2nd class citizens all over again!
sometimes I come to this blog and I hear just what I need to at that time. I’m tryna be more comfortable in my own skin, but I’m guilty of a lot of the stuff like using some slurs and ignoring gay folk when I’m with my str8 homies. I never really thought about it real deep like why the hell am I doing this? You right, it’s fear and it ain’t like they pay my bills. Half of them probably had gay sex on the low anyway – don’t make no sense. plus I live in NYC ain’t nobody give a damn anyway. ain’t tryna come out to the whole world, but I ain’t doing no more of that BS – TIME TO CHANGE.
That’s crazy – black gay men acting brand new and they were in the majority in the club. Sorry to say, but so many of us have had the self-esteem beaten out of us, we act like “punks”.
Even when I was on the DL, I could still say waddup to whoever and never took part in homophobic name calling etc. I was only on the DL because I am attracted to both sexes and thought I had to hide it from females. Now, I know there are females in my city, who are cool with it for when I feel like some cooch. Hell, my moms has gay friends! That’s what a lot of us forget – straight people have gay friends y’all, it don’t mean S.H.I.T. It’s all that guilt from the church making us act insane!
I know it’s easier to be ur true self in a big city, so I can give some folk in small towns a pass, but like Jaheem said in cities like NYC “ain’t nobody give a damn anyway”. So u just stressing urself out. Open ur eyes – the hood is very homo-erotic anyway, don’t let all that machismo stop you from being you.
I have never figured that one out, I am who I am 24/7, and, if I feel that if I have to change to be around you and especially if I have to spend my money, nope, one of the main reasons I quit going to black barbershops, no time for the foolishness or the every now and again homophobia, but, the last one I stopped going to was the woman bashing, just vile. As for clubs, never had that issue before when out with straight friends, but, the worst thing of all is that black glbt’s is the abuse that many of us take on Sunday morning in the pews and choir section. The article and the youtube’s were eye opening as I have never really thought about changing up, but, at the same time, I’m one of those bland men who blends into the background easy.
I can say one thing – a lot of black gay and bisexual men are WAY too paranoid. I used to be the same way when I was on the mad DL – thought everybody knew who I was talking to on the phone, don’t even bother saying waddup to me, even if we just exchanged bodily fluids the night B4 – shit was crazy. So, I can relate, but you gotta get beyond that stage. Most of it is in the mind – fear and guilt. Once u get beyond that, life is much easier. All that lying and being two or three different people is too much stress. Now that I’m more comfortable with who I am, I drink much less…#justsayin!
Who has the energy to try and please a group of strangers who don’t really care much form you? We spend way too much time trying to put on a show for an audience who didn’t even show up to the venue. I may be on the more masculine side of things but i hug my friends when i see them, wherever i see them. Lingo does not change. Mannerisms are still the same. What I don’t understand is why gay men go to straight clubs? What is there for you but uncomfortable feelings and vagina? But what i think needs to be addressed is the degradation of the more feminine acting amongst us. We tend to view them as “less than” because society views femininity within itself as weak.
This is something my partner and I see everyday at our gym. We go to the gym together like 3-4 times per week. We come together, workout together, and leave together. People notice us and stare and wonder about us. And we don’t funkin’ care whos looking and wondering what. We go grocery shopping, movies, etc… and see people trying to figure it out. And when his niece is down and we got out to eat or to the mall wow are we noticed. Please see an older black male (me) and a younger latino male and a young latino girl holding our hands and the heads start turning the eyes widen with intense interest. It’s funny really. It’s 2011 and people are still taken back by this.
We live together and go everywhere together. He’s my best friend, companion, and we love each other so much and that’s all that matters. Trying to live and/or portray a lie in front strangers and/or people I will never see again makes no sense. This is what leads to self medicating. I find it much better loving and living an authentic life. Life is too short to worry about what others are thinking or judging me about.
Thanks for the great post and what a thankfull relief to read some very encouraging comments.
I would only add that if you are hanging out with people you need to change for, then you need to very seriously re-evaluate your concept of friendship – and for that matter family.
Family isn’t always blood.
It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs.
The ones who accept you for who you are.
The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what.
I feel where this post is coming from and though I partially agree with everything said what I think the person wasn’t acknowledging was comfort level and setting. Yes I understand that inside the bar “we” were the majority but let us not forget that there we’re also heterosexuals there. Before I get misunderstood let me reiterate. We all know that there is a time and a place for EVERYTHING. Personally I consider myself to be extremely country. Often I’m unconciously loud, I use an array of “country” words and pronunciations because that is a part of who I am and I embrace it. But when I’m in a professional setting there is a slight change to the way I talk, not because I’m ashamed but because that isn’t the time and place. That’s just the way I see things, I probably would feel different if he wasn’t acknowledged at it but “we” shouldn’t be mad at them just because they decided to “keep it cute” (Okay I couldn’t help myself with that one but I think you get my point.)
I hear what you are saying, but I think it is totally different. A lot of black people, country or not, will talk a certain way at work and then break into ebonics when they clock off. Now, that ties in with what you are saying. However, we all know that those brothers changed their behavior or the way they greet because of internalized homophobia. A club IS THE TIME AND PLACE to greet your friends warmly. This is not on the same level as changing how we speak. We really need to stop trying to gloss over issues like this because they are really deep and affect us in all kinds of ways. What, black men are only allowed to greet each other warmly in dark venues clearly designated as gay spaces? In my hood in Brooklyn, straight black men hug each other and call one another “baby” all the time, so what exactly is our excuse? A confident, self-loving, black gay man would be able to hug anyone, male or female, in a 70% gay nightclub in 2011. justsayin’………………..
I understand your point but let’s acknowledge that this wasn’t a “friend” that he attempted to approach it was an “associate.” That ties into comfort level, homeboys give “dap”, church folks give hugs and gentlemen shake hands each person greets in their own way. It isn’t a given rule that if you’re gay you have to greet a fellow gay with a hug it all ties into comfort level. As of setting I still maintain that to some that setting may not have been appropriate for a “hey girl” greeting. Rather a club, bank, job setting, or the side walk outside of McDonald’s different settings call for different demeanor’s. But too each his own right.
I am very glad that someone has touched this topic. I feel that it’s not just with black gay men with not being comfortable with them selves but gay men of all races. I am proud to be a black gay man. I am not a “queen” or “feminine” but I am “masculine” but not a thug. If someone asks me that I am gay, then I just tell them the truth. The most common reaction I get is that they can’t believe that anyone gay can be “straight” acting. I always ask myself how a gay man acts. How does a straight man act? I feel that I should not hide behind myself, but at the same time not to advertise to the whole world that I am gay. People should be free with their sexuality, but it’s up to the individual if they want to express it freely. Most straights are comfortable with how I am. Some gays feel the same way. Sadly, I don’t always get the same type of feed back. Some straights went to the point of using slurs at me and try to put me under a rock. But ironically, some of them have the nerve to try to get me in their sexual fantasies. Some gays have shunned me because I don’t act the norm. Again I ask what the norm is. Is it a law that all gays must act like more woman than Beyonce? Are all gay men supposed to out do each other and stab everyone in the back? Why can’t we all except each other? Who cares about who is gay? How to be gay? How masculine, macho, machismo, manly, butch, diesel, hood, thug, or how much swag a person got? The main reason why people are doing this is over fear of over the people’s reactions. Also people have a fear of being different. We are all men. But we are men of different races, nationalities, sexualities, etc. We are automatically different from each other. Just be yourself and except each other.
The way I act and sound (gayish)I hate the word fem attached to me,Its emasculating,this was never an issue for me until the last 10 years,when I realized there was a huge hatred for gaymen that could be read or perceived as gay. Its bothered me a lot when other gay men called me a sissy or F***ot. I am very happy for this artical,well written and Im glad Malcom inspired you to post this.. I have been looking on the net for a few years for subject like this, gay mainstream sites wont adress it. But this isnt just a black issue. The people that you mention who arent comfortalbe in theri own skin,reaches beyand race. Im blakc myself,but I datted a whtie guy that was masculine actting,when when he got to my house,he soundedd like I did, and the first thought in my head was.. I feel cheated.. you werent really yourself. I call men like that “SWITCHERS” There are guys that are natrually masculine and gay,and the opposite on the other hand.. but switchers are very sneaky,and dangerous. They sound a certain way at work and out,but relaxed and gayish at home. that how this white guy was I just mentioned,that I datted in DC.(when I lived there).
There are times when I dont want people to focus too much on my sexuality by the way I talk.. on rare occasions I have spoken with a deeper voice not natural to my own,i.e overtown miami bus station. That was to reduce conflict,but id never do that at a Job,thats like asking for self opression,and as far as datting,Id never do it becasue of the way I felt when the white guy I datted did that. Since I have lived in Miami, I have been rejected and walked away from,and told ,”I dont want no F***ot waiting on me!” I have gone to gay expose,and gay political events and saw the people in power didnt sound like I did and you wouldnt have known they were gay unless they told you,I have experienced a lot of hatred here for the way I sound and manerisims,from the Gay white community here,dont get me started on my own community,.
The gay black community here in Miami care’s more about how masculine a gay black man appears to blend into str8 exisitence and could care less about the amount of power and influence the gay community gives its white counterparts. “Sizzle” is a gay event organized by a masculine str8 actting blackman who is more concenred with earning money from gay blacks then how they are treated like second class citizens when dealing with the hispanic community here, then he comes out with a video suggesting how they should try to dress to blend in more and to not appear as gay to the public(in so many words he says this without comming directly out and saying it)
We wonder why GBM desire to blend in who arent capable of executing this masculine fascade for a long period of time when you have Men like Dewight suggesting ” you need to blend into the str8 scene here in Miami more and not attract attention to our sexual orientaion.”
The polictical sceme of things will affect us all in the Gay community in the long run,not just blacks,but all races who are gay,Female and Male.
There is going to come a time when poeple who are presumed gay will be earsed from the gay scene altogether with everyone pretending to be soemthing they arent. Switchers have become a larger number in this world to the point where “I dont wear my sexuality on my sleeve.” will be the new slogan for the gay right movement.
NEW FLASH,I DONT WEAR MY SEXUALITY ON MY SLEEVE ,ITS PERCEIVED! POPLE WHO USE THAT PHRASE ARE REALLY SAYING,DONT HAVE THE PERCEPTION OF GAY. ITS VERY SAD AND ITS NOT JUST A BLAKC ISSUE. I like to make that clear.
Keep up the good work… Black orphus
I have another gay brother who is on the sissy side, no one knew I was into dudes except for him. He and I have talked about this throughout our child and adulthood. In fact when I came out (as far as everyone was concerned my brother never had to come out,everyone knew since he was 2 years he was destined more than not to like men.) MY family laughed and had this stereotype that my brother was the authentic gay and I was confused because I am masculine. And today theres always that doubt that I might turn to the other side because I don’t have Fem characteristics.
People in general hold on to stereotypes about many things that can create a divisive atmosphere. This is why people pretend to be something they are not to fit into a circle of friends and family they think might provide them with the social stability they need to accept themselves more. Some people call it “uncomfortable in their own skin,” some people call it.. “Well if I’m this way they wont accept me but if I can flip the switch a little I’ll get the group I want to be around rather its detrimental to my true self of not. Is it healthy? NO! The vast majority of people have a stereotype that they use to gage how they see life and only when something comes along(if it ever does) that shatters that stereotype and says,”HEY, not everything is as it seems in life.
Example, I live across the street from a park, @ night this park turns into a sex zoo for men to meet and have anonymous sex. (But I have also seen straight couples go over there.) This isn’t my cup of tea as far a social gatherings are concerned to meet men. But I can literally seen the traffic from my window on certain nights of the week. Police officers have said to me,(not thinking I’m gay myself) Thats a FA***t park at night,you better stay from over there you might get rapped,LOL, homosexuals are nasty like that.”
Do you really think a 100% of those men are gay? and out to boot. Id say about 80% of them are in straight relationships and not out or else why meet in a park at night for sex? they had a raid of that park and it hit the news in my area,65% of them were married men. what percentage do you think where closeted gay or bi men?
To stigmatize someone like my brother and create a standard for one type and not be open to the fact not everyone fits in a category is a feature ,racist,homophobic,uncivilized,irrational people use as an excuse to stigmatize people into being to scared to be themselves.
Stigmatization is a reason people cant get comfortable in their own skins. The fear of that. This is why those parks exist and other places men like to have sex with other men. Why are men the only creatures to have such places to be sexual. The are no females in these places standing around waiting for a straight guy to have sex with.Many of these men lead normal lives except when they go to these parks.
MY point is? When these places no longer exist because of the stigma of male homosexuality in our sociality is looked at in a positive way, Ill bet we wont hear stories of men that have to pretend to be something they aren’t because they are afraid of being stigmatized to bond with family and make friends.
Although I concur with what your saying whakeem,I would beg to differ with the number of guys that are out, that hang around in these places,and BTW,These places exist all over the world. Only men do this in these places of lust filled passions. I doubt men go there to make boyfriends,LOL I think its a small percentage of openly gay men that go there to get the guys they cant really have. Its a sespool of “Geting the “straight guy” hard syndrome,I would never date a guy that I found out went to those parks because you really have to have a certian kind of mantality to do that.. A guy that goes out like that isnt satisfied with one guy ever,or one female for that matter.
@ whakeem and Black Orphus
A variety of men, including those who are comfortable in their own skins, frequent such places. Heterosexuals also frequent such places, to a lesser degree(largely because of the way in which female sexuality is viewed), in different parts of the country and world.
When men first started “cruising” and having sex in public, there were no other venues for gay men. Times have changed, but the behavior hasn’t. Yes, some men frequent parks, because they are closeted, on the DL etc, but let’s not pretend that some openly gay men don’t frequent them too. Some men are just horny sluts and some people(gay straight or bi) get off on the danger of outdoor and public sex. Then there are those who visit such places, once, just to see what it is like. Not ALL guys, who have ever visited cruising grounds are incapable of being satisfied with one guy. Are ALL straight men, who have ever visited strip clubs and banged a stripper or got some head at the back, when they were 21, incapable of loving one woman?
I agree that stigma has a lot to do with not being comfortable in our own skins, but sometimes, it is just fear of the perceived stigma and internalized homophobia, as a result of all the negative messages we have received over the years. Part of becoming a healthy, black gay man(as opposed to boy), is learning how to shed those messages and grow. We are not going to all wake up one day and boom, homosexuality, is no longer a stigma. It takes courageous individuals to change the minds, or at least challenge the words of, homophobes. Example: someone else might have said to the cops “sorry officer, but I disagree, not all homosexuals are nasty and statistics show that there are more heterosexual rapists than homosexual”. He might have looked at you crazy, but it might also have made him think.
At some point, we have to start being individually accountable for our own actions and lives. The stigma of being a black gay man can only be fought by black gay men standing up for who they are, one at a time.
You have given me an idea for an article
The fact of the matter is,people meet in parks because of the secrecy of it all.(they don’t know where you live) The vast majority are closeted men that have homosexual sex. I didn’t use the word gay… There is a difference.
Some of you just like to split hairs for no apparent reason. Really, what is your point? Storm made a valid point/comment – change has to start on an individual level. This thread is not about parks. Some people will always love the thrill of anonymous, dangerous sex, whether they are closeted or not. And please stop using the word sissy, the way you do, some of us find it offensive in 2011, even if you are referring to your brother. It’s probably a regional thing, but it’s because of words like that, that black gay men have the issues we do and aren’t comfortable in our own skins .
“Wakeem”, “Black Orphus” and “TO B rejected 4 life” are the same individual and just came on to the blog to cause a disturbance. He has been banned, after sending me several disrespectful emails, as well as other unpublished comments. I wish him all the best, hopefully he gets the help he needs.
aah that makes sense! there seems to one a month trying to disrupt the peace. guess it comes with the territory.
How do you know your opinions are speaking truth? Someone who has ingrained problems create multiple personalities for public abuse and spew abuse to you in private at the same time. Speak your truth and speak it ever, cause it what it will. You, like so many other Black gay bloggers, are helping many to “un-arrest” their own developments.
Riveting commentary fellow readers!