This is - What Would You Do? – Black Gay Men’s Blog edition. As you guys know, I get quite a few emails asking for advice and there is a recurring question I get asked, which involves friendship, loyalty and (in)discretion. I have also had this discussion with a few friends and associates, so I am turning the question over to you guys – What Would You Do? Friends are family to many gay men and with all that many black gay men have been through, our closest and dearest take on the roles often attributed to siblings. So, when I use the word “friend”, in this article, I am referring to that person who is always there and going to be there for you. I am not referring to the new, flimsy, BFF du jour, announced on social networks, like teenagers, who will be hated in 6 months time. I am talking about the friend you have known for years, who is closer to you than any blood brother could be. The one you share everything with (or almost everything), who knows you inside out.
What would you do, if you went to an associate’s house (or someone you just know socially, but isn’t close) and found your closest friend’s man there, in a compromising position? The two have just finished having sex and your friend’s man begs you not to tell. He says it was just a one off thing and he really wants to be with your friend, whom we’ll call Maurice. He tries to convince you how much he loves Maurice, swears it was a one-off thing and will never happen again. What would you do? Would you tell Maurice or keep it to yourself and warn lover-boy (Ty) that if you ever hear about anything like that again, you are telling? Maurice is very much in love with Ty and they have been together for 8 months, supposedly in a committed relationship. Do you squeal or do you stay silent?
Now, for those of you, who would stay silent and believe it is never a good idea to “get into grown folks business”, I’m going to throw something else in the mix. Same scenario as above, but you know that Greg (owner of the house) is HIV positive and they both assure you they had safe-sex. Would this change your decision to tell or not to tell? What would you do? If, this would make you tell Maurice, please say why. Remember, condoms were used – Ty even made Greg show them to you….nasty, yeah I know, but we are going for it. If this would change whether or not you told Maurice, think about it for a few minutes and answer truthfully, why?
Now, here is another scenario. You see Ty coming out of a bath house or adult video store, looking like he just engaged in some kind of nefarious activity. Maybe he is zipping up his pants, as he exits, then he bumps into you and makes up some ridiculous explanation, as to why he was in said establishment. He says, “I know it looks bad, but it’s not what you think.” Then hurries off, obviously dazed and in a bit of a state. What would you do? Do you tell or is it none of your business?
We often say we treat others as we would want to be treated, so bear that in mind, when answering – or don’t, if that’s the real you. By telling your close brother-friend, that his man is cheating, you could be putting your friendship at risk. That’s the argument those who choose to keep out of “grown folks business” often use. Then there are those, who see it as their duty as a good friend, to let him know what kind of man he is dealing with. Then there are those, who use the “boys will be boys” argument – all men cheat anyway, so what’s the big deal? They might be the sames ones, who want a piece of Ty themselves – I mean, we are just men, right? What kind of friend are you and would Greg’s HIV status (even though it was safe and we’ve all more than likely had sex with someone positive) influence your decision? How important is loyalty to black gay men? This is Volume One of What Would You Do? Black Gay Men’s Blog edition – now, speak!
No related posts.
I would definitely tell! I know they say don’t get into grown folks business and all tat, but I think a Ho came up with that statement lol. Nah, I’m just kidding. On the real, I would want my friend to tell me, so I would tell him – in ALL scenarios. A REAL friend ain’t gonna think you “hating” or all the other excuses people use, he should know ur character. I’m doing what I would want done to me – plain and simple!
I would squeal…I am beginning to think it is impossible to have a ‘normal’ relationship aka heterosexual relationship between gay men…I have heard stories but never witnessed such an event. Maybe I will start spiking my boyfriend’s drink with birth control we need some more estrogen and less testosterone!
I ain’t saying a damn thing! None of my business and sometimes, black gay men talk too much. If dude is cheating, then my friend must not be handling business in the bedroom. I never get involved in peoples private business, friend or no friend. He’ll get caught sooner or later anyways – men always get caught: straight or gay!
People like you deserve whatever bad to happen to you.
‘Nuff said [issues a LOUD hiss teeth; ROLLS eyes]
No! Not really! Maybe the dude is just a nasty ass hoe!!!
If it’s a friend like u described it then yeah I’ll tell. I see what u doing here. At first, I was like hell no, it ain’t my business, then you throw HIV into the mix and I’m like hmmm. Then I think ok is that being prejudiced? Then I realize it don’t make no sense to tell just because I know dude is positive, because he might be anyway and I don’t know – etc etc. I like this – made me think. Most people might not get it(coz u gotta go deep), but if u think and personalize it(I have a friend of 10 years), you’ll know what’s right for u and ur friendship.
Well honestly, I would tell because of the HIV thing.(which i don’t why was added to this) If this was really real it would be so sad, because friend ain’t got nobody & his boyfriend is a bona fide ho. On another note, if he knew the guy was HIV positive why sleep with him!!!!!! Only thing you can do is tell your friend and be there for him.
Together only 8 mos…hmmmm..I would talk to him first and then give home the chance to tell my friend himself,but if he didn’t do it that day I would…Come on only 8 mos?
Speaking from experience, this is a double edged sword. I have been in this situation and I kept my mouth shut. Trusting that it would never happen again. But when it all came out, as it is wont to do, the very person whose secret I kept, told my friend that I slept with him. So I lost a friend because of a liar and a cheat. If I had to do it all over again. I would tell in a heartbeat. No good can come of keeping a secret like that. HIV or not. If it’s your friend and you love him as a brother, then you need to open your mouth and speak. He may be upset with you for a moment, but he’ll come around. Just give him some time and space.
Funny to read this, considering I just saw “The Dilemma” (terrible movie, btw, not worth the $1 at the Redbox). I would tell my friend’s lover that either he can tell my friend, or I will tell him myself. That’s the generally accepted protocol, I think. Give him a couple days to tell, and then I’m going to my friend with the info. It’s only right. I would want him to do the same for me.
Up until about 3 years ago, I would have said “I don’t get involved”, then it happened to me. Now I know what it is like to be the friend in the dark, so I would have to tell. If the friendship is a true and solid friendship, it will survive any man.
In the sense of a friend being “that person who is always there and going to be there for you” I would definitely tell. Personally I believe that it is just the right thing to do if this person is as close to you as you state. From experience I know that persons can easily resent individuals who give them information believing it to be their best interest but you just have to think “what if this was me?” In all scenarios I would tell my friend in a heartbeat regardless of any consequences.
This can be complex, sometimes a friend in a 1-1 relationship knows his partner is not faithful but chooses not to know and is comfortable that what he doesn’t know wont hurt him (cos he’s chosen to be in denial & does not want to confront it).
If a very dear friend who I love dearly is being played by his other half and I discover this, I would tell the cheating partner that he has put me in a very awkward situation cos my loyalty lies with my friend and will insist he comes clean and tells my friend. (I will sniff around to find out if he confessed)
If there is a danger to my friend’s health I would find a way to warn him but be very careful how I do it.
You said this friend is closer than family? Okay then, would you turn away if someone treated your mother/father/brother/sister/cousin/nephew like crap?
If the friendship is deep to the point of brotherhood, you snitch as fast as you can. Of course you do. You say “Oooooooooh, you gon’ GET IT!” and you run and tell stat, HIV+ or not.
Except scenario three. If the bf likes to visit places that offer adult entertainment, that’s really none of your business. Especially since you have no clue what went on inside.
HONESTY is and has always been the best policy. I would reveal the information about the philandering to my friend, regardless of whether he/she be cool or come out of a bag on me.
My friend’s true character, the level of trust [among other values and virtues] and the strength of the friendship would truly show. I would find it DESIRABLE to SHOW where my loyalties lie, and that’s in a friend that is counting on me to be a ride-or-die amigo in EVERY situation [and not choose to be a "selective", fair-weather friend].
OOOOOO imma tell, im texting my friend(“we need to talk”) as you tell me not to say anything!! This is my closest friend and when it all comes out, and it inevitably will, they will find out that I’ve known all along and I couldn’t deal with the guilt. Although I will say that to tell, or not to tell, has a lot to do with the relationship you have with your bestie. In my personal friendships all have told me that if I were to ever see something out of the ordinary TELL. It’s about respect for me. He didn’t respect my friend enough to stay loyal so I wont respect his want for me to keep quiet. they can work out the details in private and I’ll support whatever decision my friend makes.
The key word is FRIENDSHIP. Only for those who really understand and value it. I would ask his partner to tell my friend “the truth” himself and also tell the partner to tell my friend my friend that “I” suggest he tell so they could work it out and get help if needed.
The reason I would tell him to say I advised him to tell the truth because my friend is going to come to me anyway for advice and if his partner is sincere and repents I will be in their corner for love’s sake and suggest some counseling to get past it.
Cause as others have said before me “I will tell if he doesn’t.” Always give someone a chance to redeem themselves unless he is just a bad guy.
I would tell, HIV or not that is my friend and I hope he tell me if he saw my man.
To “Privatebruh” whose idea is “If dude is cheating, then my friend must not be handling business in the bedroom,” people don’t cheat just because they’re not getting sex, man. People cheat because a), they are sex addicts or b), because they’re incapable of intimacy or c), they lied when they said they could be monogamous (read “a” again) or they have what’s called in psychology a “split”: people they’re turned on to, they don’t feel safe with or it’s the other side of the coin: people they feel secure with, they’re not turned on to. So maybe your “friend” provides security to his man, but his man is just using your friend as a security blanket and is not really into him as in “the whole ball of wax.”
I can’t believe the only reason you wrote that is that is because you honestly believe it’s something as basic as someone isn’t good at sex. Tell me you were kidding when you wrote that. Please.
***HIGH 5***
The boyfriend means nothing to mean, my friend means everything. I would let the boyfriend know that I’m telling and then immediately call my friend. Waiting won’t help.
A true friend may not want to hear my words, but in the end would be thankful that I shared with him. I would allow him to handle it how he needed too, but also let him know that if he needed me to switch into “Madea Mode” I was there and ready.
I just don’t know, I just don’t know! This is why i stay by myself! So much be going on and you don’t even know it! SMDH!!
If i was the eyewitness, i wouldn’t just come out and say that i saw “john doe” in the act, i’d just advise my friend to watch his back and keep a close eye out! Don’t fall to in love or “head over hills” for him, especially if it’s only been 8months!
Now if my friend ask why am i saying those things or if my friend comes to me latter on and says he has bad feelings/thoughts then i’d tell what i saw and my explanation as to why i didn’t say anything at the time!
I would give the guy the opportunity to come clean to my best friend on his own terms, and if he refused than obviously I would tell my best friend. If you are truly close then the friendship will survive. Yes he will be mad, the boyfriend if he is allowed to stick around will probably resent you childishly, and people will swear you didn’t mind you business, but none of that ultimately matters.
Friends don’t let friends live in the dark.