Lessons In Black Gay Love Part One – James and Byron

Black Gay Men’s Blog welcomes James and Byron, a black gay couple, to kick off a little series we are calling Lessons in Black Gay Love. We will be inviting black gay couples, in long-term relationships, to share their tips and advice on making relationships and love work. There’s no doubt that relationships (of any kind) require love, trust, commitment and work, in order to survive. Relationships between two black gay men can often have additional layers, as I like to call them, but we often only hear about the negative, making long-term black gay relationships seem impossible. A few months ago, I started chatting with and interviewing black gay couples, who have been together for 5 years and more(I have now dropped that to 3 years), hoping we can all learn something from them, when it comes to making black gay relationships survive. We will try and cover different areas with each couple, but there are bound to be some common aspects. Lessons in Black Gay Love can also be applied to other relationships(for our non-black and heterosexual readers), but we will focus on the dynamics between two black gay men.

James, who is 48, and  Byron(42) have been together for eight years and currently live in Philadelphia. They bought a house there 2 years ago, to escape the stress of New York and to start planning a family(as in kids) together. I spent a day with them at their house in Philly, after having lunch with them with in Brooklyn, NY(where they still have a home). James comes across as the quieter of the two and Byron as the more out-going – that is, until you get to know them a little better. Byron moved to New York, from Jamaica, when he was 18 and James is a native New-Yorker, born and raised in Brooklyn. After just 10 minutes with these two, it is quite apparent how solid their relationship is and how much love and respect they have for one another. I kept repeating the word, “solid”, in my head over and over again. They are have both done quite well for themselves, in terms of career and finance. Byron, the more adventurous of the two, has been self-employed for the last 5 years. His success as an internet marketer and graphic designer inspired James to finally leave the corporate world behind(last year) and they are now both self-employed.

We talked for hours about the usual relationship stuff – the importance of trust, honesty and communication, balancing the desire to be together with the need to give space, making room for existing friendships(which, in their case, includes a couple of ex-lovers), keeping the sex hot, celebrating differences and giving one another the deserved respect, even in the presence of family members. For the purposes of this edition of Lessons In Black Gay Love, we are going to focus on communication, differences and giving one another the deserved respect – all three kind of overlap with this couple, due to some cultural differences.

• Storm: Who would you say was the better communicator of the two and how have your communication skills evolved over the years?
• James: I would like to say I was better at communicating, but the truth is that, at the beginning we were both lousy. I think we were like typical black men, whatever that means, both taught not to show too much emotion and I thought all that talking was for lesbians. Initially, I thought if two dudes clicked then we would just get along. This was my first long-term relationship, where I knew I really wanted to be with this man forever(sorry exes), so I had to learn that it takes a lot of good communicating to make that happen. We had some really silly fights the first year or so of the relationship, because we didn’t really know how to express our feelings and communicate effectively. Luckily, Byron was more open to certain things, so he really made sure we got on the right page, as far as communicating goes.
• Byron: Yeah, at first we really thought all we needed was love, but we soon learned that it took a lot more. I had to convince James that we should try some couples therapy, not because we had any major problems at the time, it was communication based. I found this sister in Manhattan and she worked with us for 6 weeks – I think that was one of the best things we ever did. We both learned how to ask for what we needed in the relationship and how to really listen to each other. Also, the fact that he was willing to try it, showed me how serious he was about the relationship, because he is not your therapy kind of guy. He is worse than me, typical black man(laughs), he thinks sex and prayer cure everything. He’s changed a lot now though, now we both really understand how important it is to let the person you love know you hear what they are saying. Even when we don’t agree, it doesn’t mean what he is saying is less valid than what I’m saying, we just don’t agree and that’s okay. Also, now that we have learned how to better communicate, we don’t fight as much and when we do, we always talk it out before we go to bed. I joke about it now, that in the earlier days all we did was have sex and fight.
• Storm: Sounds like the couples therapy worked out for you guys, but as you said, not many black men are open to therapy. I think a lot of us still see it as something “we” don’t do, or something that is reserved for “crazy people”. So, what would you say to other brothers out there, who might be having some communication issues?
• James: I’ll take this one, seeing as I was against it. Therapy is not for everybody and not everybody needs it, but if what you are doing isn’t working and you know deep down you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, what do you have to lose? I was always the I’ll pray about it type of guy, but sometimes you need to have the tools and skills in place. Black gay men aren’t taught how to communicate and have positive relationships, a lot of our lives are hidden in shame, so for me, I needed more than prayer or sex. I would say to any struggling black gay couple out there, if it is worth it, fight for it. If that means going to therapy, then get your black ass on that couch! There is a major pay-off – good communication makes the sex even better. Now, if someone had told me that earlier, I would have been the first in line. When you are both content and you both feel appreciated, it brings you closer. We also learned how to talk about what we really needed in bed and that was a whole lot of fun, learning that he was just as freaky as I was! So, if you think it might help, or your relationship is worth fighting for, give it a shot -it ain’t just for crazies…..or white folk(laughs).
• Storm: What lessons have you two learned, when it comes to celebrating one another’s differences, instead of trying to do the impossible and change your man?
• Byron: There are always going to be little thing about James that piss me off, but they are just that, little things. When it comes to the bigger things, I think we have learned to see what we can take from each other, in terms of the positive aspects. Earlier on, one of our battles used to be that he thought I wasn’t affectionate enough and I thought he was too needy and clingy. We had different expectations, when it came to love and relationships. I grew up in Jamaica and yes, we love hard, but we also know how to give space, we are used to the other half maybe having to travel for work, whether it is to another town, city or country. It’s not that big a deal. James had this idea of love, which I always said was from the movies, Hollywood, it didn’t seem very practical to me. You can’t be around someone 24/7 holding his hand and gazing into his eyes. He wanted my whole life to stop the minute he finished work and he thought I was being cold. We learned to compromise – I became more affectionate during our quality time and he learned that just because I’m away for X amount of time, doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I’m just a bit more practical and I’m a bit of a workaholic, so I’ve learned to make time.
• James: Yeah, he used to be a cold S.O.B.(laughs). Nah, I was a lil clingy and he is right I was basing my idea of love, as a lot of us do, on Hollywood. I needed someone practical like him, to balance us out. I had to weigh the pros and cons. I finally had a man, who worked had and wanted to build a future, who I knew had my back totally, is great sex AND can throw down in the kitchen. What am I complaining about? So, like he said, we took some of the positive from each other. I had to get used to the idea that being with him didn’t mean it was just the two of us all the time. Jamaicans travel a lot, there is always someone visiting and even if they are not staying with us, they have to come over for dinner or he has to go take them shopping etc. It took some getting used to, it’s a cultural thing, but if you love the person, you make it work. I think as Americans, we are a lot more self-centered, than a lot of brothers from the Caribbean and Africa, it’s me me me. So, you have to get used to sharing. It has actually made me a better person, I think.
• Byron: Yeah, me too. I think I’m a lot calmer and definitely more affectionate. He got me into all this lovey dovey stuff(laughs). Also, sometimes, you have to say no, that’s something I’ve learned from him. Every Jamaican visiting can’t stay with me(even though they think I’m weird for saying no), because I have a man and it might not be convenient for both of us. It is a balancing act – being an immigrant, trying to maintain your culture and being in a committed relationship with an American in the USA. It gets tiring having to explain your ways and culture all the time, but I’m expected to know and accept his. Thank God we don’t have that issue anymore – not often anyway.
• Storm: So what about respect? I know you guys had some issues surrounding respect and how you treat one another in the presence of friends and family. Tell us about that and what you since learned.
• Byron: (jumps in) I know he is dying to speak, but let me just say that I take most of the blame for this one. Again, it was more of a cultural thing. You know, this was my first “I love you til I die” type relationship with a man. I’ve had little relationships – 6 months, 1 year, but nothing like this, setting up home and stuff. I’m Jamaican, I come from a very homophobic culture, it wasn’t easy for me to just start introducing James as my man or my lover. He would get mad, because he thought I was minimizing the seriousness of the relationship. Did you see that episode of DL Chronicles, when the guy said “baby steps”? That was me, I needed baby steps. My cousins would come to stay and we had to stay in separate bedrooms, he was my roommate, all that kind of madness. It really used to make him mad and I realize now I was just being a coward. There is no reason to be so afraid, in your own home, but when you have heard batty-man all your life and seen people get killed for being gay, it’s not as easy to just be so comfortable with it. If most black men are programmed to be homophobic, Jamaicans are 100 times worse! I finally understood how he felt disrespected, because why should I expect my man, the love of my life, my partner, to stay out of sight, because some relative is visiting. That was my problem, not his and I am sorry for putting him through that. All his friends and family, apart from his Dad and brother, embraced me and accepted me as his man and I couldn’t even introduce him properly.
• James: This the first time I’ve heard him say it out loud like that, to someone else. Feels good to hear it. I mean he has said it to me and apologized a million times and of course, I’m over it, but it was rough. I kept asking him what he thought they could do to him in his own home and if he knew what it was doing to me, to us, to him. Whenever one of his relatives or old friends was over and he introduced me as his roommate, I felt like I was being stabbed. Then he would get all funny and drink too much rum. Phew! I’m glad that only lasted the first two and a half years. But again, I stuck with it, because this is the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with. I knew he was just scared, but it was very frustrating. As black gay men, we should be able to proud in our own homes. I remember reading that in one of your articles and I knew exactly what you meant. You have to respect yourself and your man enough to give him the title he deserves, I ain’t no roommate!(laughs)
• Byron: Yes, it was the one thing we always would fight about. The therapy, learning to listen and really hear what it meant to him and how it made him feel made me see things differently. These days, if you can’t respect my relationship, you have no place in our home. I’m glad he stuck by me through that madness, coz that’s all it was(laughs).
• Storm: I really love watching you two together, there is no doubt, how much you love you have for one another. Thank you for sharing with Black Gay Men’s Blog, please leave our readers with some words of encouragement and hope, because you two are living proof that strong black gay love exists.
• James: Thanks man! Love is out there, you just gotta find you a crazy Jamaican, who can cook. Nah, just kidding! I say be honest about what you really want and be prepared to do the work. When you do find that person, don’t let him go, over petty stuff. Work on yourself and work at the relationship. There are some good black men out there, but don’t limit yourself to someone just like you.
• Byron: Thank you Storm! I say, open up your heart to the possibilities, you never know just how great that next man you meet might really be. If you are really feeling him, try telling him. We need to stop playing all these games and lying to ourselves that we don’t want love. Black gay men deserve love and long-term happiness, just like anybody else. When you find that man, be prepared to do the work and a whole lot of talking and try not to stay mad at each other for too long. As Tim Gunn says, Make It Work!

James and Byron were one of the first black gay couples I interviewed and they left such a lasting impact on me. I have a lot of respect for two black gay men, who acknowledge there are some issues and confront them. It is not everyday you meet that someone you want to spend the rest of your life(or 8 years) with. Let’s learn to work at making our relationships stronger and healthier.I was initially only going to use Lessons In Black Gay Love for another project, but I’m glad I have decided to share a lot of it, if not all of it with you guys, here on the blog. I called James and Byron earlier today, to tell them I would be using their story for part one of Lessons In Black Gay Love and they had some big news. They are taking advantage of the new laws in New York and will be getting married at the beginning of October. Looks like I’ll finally be attending a black gay wedding in NYC! We all deserve a shot at love and happiness and as long as we are prepared to do the work, a long-term relationship is possible. Yes, even for black gay men!

Related posts on Black Gay Men's Blog:

1. Black Gay Men & Sexual Labels Part 2
2. Darian Aaron’s New Book: When Love Takes Over
3. Black Gay Men, Our Mothers Love and Finding Balance
4. Black Gay Men Don’t Love Bisexuals: Camron’s Story