Black Gay Men’s Blog Contributor and Author, Rafael Solece, explores the dangers of blind hook ups and the rise of violent crimes against black gay men. Are we as black gay men being to callous about our own safety? Do we as black gay men think that because we are men we are immune to violence? Do we consider the possible consequences of anonymous sex or are we blinded by the thrill?
Hooking up online, at parties, at bars, at the grocery store, at the gym and parks: is all normal business practice for a lot of gay men. We do it with exuberance and an overwhelming sense of callousness. After all it’s exciting: that thrill you get when you meet a “tall, dark, and handsome” or ”short, muscular, and aggressive” man, and take him home or follow him back to his place, and grind your body against his with the aggression of a raging bull. Hell, I am getting hot just thinking about it.
After all it’s the stuff that good porn is made of, and the eroticism of it all would make any gay man’s pipe swell against the fabric of his X-2 under gear. But how often do we consider the consequences of our sexual actions before we put them into affect. Probably not until well after we’ve satisfied our natural urges and released our man juices, and then of course it’s far too late. Too late to consider that perhaps the person we so willing walked off with or took home with us may have wanted more than just a good nut and I m not talking about a relationship.
In the past five years violence against black gay men has risen 62%, and furthermore statistics show that more than half of cases reported of violence against these men were perpetrated by other black gay men. More disturbing is that an abundance of those reported cases were perpetuated by men that the victims had only known for a short period of time. I.E. Been dating for a few months, picked up at a bar, park, book store, or online for a one night stand.
On August 26th, 2010, Durand Robinson, co-owner of Traxx Atlanta, and prominent member of the black gay community was found murdered in his car. There was no presumption of cause for his murder. Some speculate that a verbal altercation earlier that night was the cause and some say that a perhaps he was killed in an attempt to pick up the wrong type of date. The case is still open.
In September 2010, Atlanta Black Gay Pride Weekend; two men were found dead in their apartment in southwest Atlanta. Evidence of foul play was very prominent at the scene. Some speculate a date gone wrong was the set up for this brutal murder the case is still unsolved. And in May 28, 2009, man was found stabbed to death in Piedmont Park
How often have you been getting ready to hook up with a guy and had an over whelming feeling of dread, fear, or cautiousness? How often have you ignored that feeling? Probably more times than you would like to admit? It’s alright I am guilty of the same. It is easy to ignore your feelings and go with your head (dick head, he speaks louder.) But it is so important that as black men we are aware that we are not completely immune to violence or danger. Just because physically we are fit and we believe that we have the ability to be able to handle ourselves in every situation does not mean that we should be stupid with our lives.
Violence is not gender based and anyone can become a victim: women, Children, and men. And crimes against black gay men are being perpetuated every day: not just by bigots, but by self hating or self serving black men. Men who are embarrassed and/or ashamed of their sexuality and who loathe other openly black gay men, and by men who covet the success of others and would do anything to possess the things that you have achieved and/or own, by men who are strung out and would just as easily steal from you as they would sleep with you.
Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that we should stop having hot sex, but I am saying that we should start being more cautious and leery of our actions. The world is not a safe place and shit happens. We should all take into consideration that everything that looks good may not be exactly good for us.
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While an informative article, I really felt like it was complete. Sure we know about the dangers of such behavior. What would be more useful is perhaps advice and suggestions on more positive outlets for meeting people safely. Information if power and many guys, especially those in the closet may not know other ways to meet quality guys. That said, thanks for having a blog like this available.
Good point, I’ll add my 2 cents.
Anonymous sex or blind hook-ups aren’t going anywhere, anytime soon. In this age of social media, more and more people are “hooking up” online, regardless of sexuality. Of course, there are also the gay men(even some out gay men), who seem to be hooked on the more dangerous options – parks late at night etc. Years ago, the argument was that for closeted gay men, bisexuals or MSM, parks, public bathrooms, adult video stores and such other venues, were the only option. We are now in 2011 and most of us are online, so I think we need to look at risk reduction.
Of course, the safest option would be to get to know the dude in question first, but that hardly happens when you are on the hunt for sex.
If the dude you are about to hook-up with is calling you, do not accept blocked calls. His number on your phone is a good trace. I don’t care how sexy he is or how many inches he has between his legs, if he has to block his number, you might want to think twice. The whole “I’m on the DL” excuse is so 1990s(as far as blocked numbers are concerned). Anyone can get a Google voice or other number and use that for their hooking-up needs. There is no reason to block a number in this day and age.
Follow your instincts and listen to your inner voice. If something doesn’t feel right, RUN or ask him to leave. Again, how sexy he is shouldn’t come into play. Your intuition might save your life!
Tell a close friend where you are going or that you are having company and make it known where you will leave details of your hook-ups – phone numbers, given name(which will probably be fake, but might help the cops), email etc. If you are so closeted that you don’t have a single friend you can confide in, then leave such details where they can easily be found.
Even if you are in the closet, you should still know what you really want. Are you really craving sex or do you want to meet a “quality guy”, as mentioned above. If you want to meet a “quality guy”, then hook-up sites, parks and other cruising venues are probably not the way to go. Try other online dating options/social networking sites and get to know him first – meet at a public place initially. Be honest to yourself about what you really want. If you want sex, fine, but don’t kid yourself that you are looking for a relationship, when you invite a stranger over at 2am – that’s a booty call.
Some will disagree with me, but most guys on sites like A4A are not really looking for more than sex. Again, be honest about what you want/need. If you want sex, then try A4A, Craigslist etc. If you would rather get to know an individual first, try the other social networking and dating sites. Even the same guy might be totally different on A4A at 1am, than on Facebook at 3pm. Logged on to A4A at 1am, he more than likely has sex on his mind. At 2pm on Facebook, he might be more open to getting to know you.
I am focusing on online hook-ups here, maybe someone else can chime in about minimizing the risk, when it comes to cruising in parks etc. Although, I’m not sure how feasible it is – cruising venues are by nature dangerous, which is what seems to add to the thrill, for those who frequent such venues.
As long as there is still stigma and homophobia, there will be men making risky decisions, in their quest for gay sex. It is up to the individual to decide if it is worth it. Even if you are just highly sexed and love having sex with a different man every night, the online option is still safer, as there is a digital trail.
BE LED BY THE RIGHT HEAD!
Awesome blog. I’ve got to give you accolades. This speaks volumes. As a former escort, I’ve learned that we must be very careful. Although we are men, we are still just as vulnerable to violence as any other human being. I’ve been a victim of theft and domestic violence and I understand being a victim. That’s why now I will go to a public place with someone and not bring them home nor go to their house. You must get to know a person before you go on a date with them now a days.
This is real talk! I used to have “blind hook-ups” every now and then, until my buddy got stabbed by some piece of trade. Now I’m more careful, you just never know. A lot of the violence from hook-ups is not even reported because some of us are too scared to be blown up by the scandal – again stigma.
I like the tips Storm gave. I meet guys on Facebook mainly these days I think it is safer and I ain’t so quick to meet “right now”. We can at least chat today online and on the phone and then meet in a couple of days.
Sometimes it takes something bad to happen to makes us look at what we are doing. Did they ever find the killer of the dude from Brooklyn who was cut up into pieces?
Be safe out there guys.
I’m too chicken to walk around in some dark park at night, but to each his own. For me, it ain’t that serious. I think most of us could be more careful when it comes to online hook-ups & late night booty calls. I agree with the blocked number thing but some people actually think it is hot, if dude is so DL he can’t show his number. To me that is just dumb – why you gonna have sex with someone who doesn’t think you are worthy of his number – even if it’s just 1 night?
I’m single at the moment so I do have occasional hook-ups. I also put a camera outside my apartment door. I figure it might make some crazy mofo think twice – in case I missed the crazy online/on the phone.
I’ve been having sex with dudes for the last 3 years and I still bang chicks, so I consider myself bisexual. Never been to a gay bar or club, just too paranoid seeing as I got a GF. I usually just go to adult video stores or parks and get my nut. Ain’t never really thought too much about it…. until now.
I guess I would really rather have 1 or 2 dudes I can hook-up with on the regular, but I just been scared to make that connection. How do dudes like me, closeted bisexuals, on the low, whatever u wanna call it, hook-up online without getting caught? Everybody wants to see a pic and I just ain’t there yet. I’m scared to hit dudes up on FB, in case they post some stuff on my wall. Most guys on Adam ain’t tryna holla if u ain’t got a pic so when I’m horny for some gay sex I just hit the park or video store – then I tend to feel kinda low afterwards coz it just seems so dirty and desperate.
Any suggestions? And great blog BTW, I’m learning a lot here.
If you get off on having sex in public(parks etc) and the danger of being caught, robbed or killed, then do you. If you see it as your only option, because you are closeted, then that’s sad.
The paranoia about being caught is something individuals have to work through, but it can’t be that difficult to hook-up online. If you are in a relationship with a female, don’t you think it would be more scandalous to be arrested in a park with some pipe down ur throat(or elsewhere)? Not that I’m condoning cheating on women, I’m just saying, think carefully about what u are doing. There are lots of “DL” dudes who don’t require pics – stick to those kind. If u are single, then that’s on u, if u wanna risk being arrested, robbed or killed, but those in relationships should really stop for a moment and think about their loved ones. Is a nut worth all that? Yeah, u can be robbed etc by an online hook-up, but I think it is less risky, especially with the tips above.
Sometimes, we are such messy dogs LOL! BE SAFE PEOPLE
See things like this is why I don’t fool with those whom are paranoid and schizophrenic over being seen or “found out”. It’s going to happen sooner than later if you are doing something so why don’t you do it right and meet people in legitimate means.
And BiSoldier, you should be honest with yourself and your girlfriend about your activities. She has a right to know considering she is likely monogamous to you; especially if you are having unprotected sex with her.
When did we as gay men become soooooo judgmental? If someone such as BiSoldier is on here sharing issues he’s having re: his sexuality, why the banging him up over the head? Danger lurks around every corner – the parks, bookstores, were overflowing with trade before the age of internet. there were no more killings then than there are now. quit sugar coating what you do, a hookup, is a hookup, no matter where you find the person and carries some risk.
Not sure what city you’re in Soldier, maybe you can do an alternate FB profile. alternate phone number just to give out to sexual interests, way your pros and cons from there. sex should never be considered dirty though – it is part of who you are! at the same time, you have to start working on your paranoia to make sure you are in control of your behavior. I’ll shut up now.
why do you give tips on risk reduction strategies.we all dont want to be victims.Blind dates can be fun, but at the same time be hell on earth.
hook-ups are all risky, but some more risky than others. I think some people get addicted to the thrill associated with the danger of public sex. having a stranger come to your home is risky enough for me, I ‘m not wandering about the bushes in the dark looking for sex, especially now I’m back in Jamaica, where gay men get killed even when they aren’t cruising for sex. I understand the thrill, but I’m glad it is not a part of my life. If paranoia drives closeted men to parks and that doesn’t sit well with them, then some work needs to be done. We all should try and be as safe as we can.
@ Joshua Otuoma – I think there is a difference b/w hook-ups and blind dates. Some people might benefit from the tips. A lot of people naively get into hooking up with strangers without considering the dangers. I don’t see what’s wrong with giving tips, if it reduces the risks associated with hooking up with strangers aka having anonymous sex.
Well said, pity many would read this entry as an attack on the gay community.
Well said, to me yeah blind hook ups could be a good thing and both a bad. Lets be honest we all have had good hook ups, be it a 1nighter or an extended booty call. Me personally I feel I would prefer a hook up that is more than just hooking up, where U actually dig the person, and if sex is all you desire we do it when we want. Instead of having a new guy every couple of days, that hook- up stuff becomes redundant, because no matter how good the hook up is, it is just still that a hook- up, and most likely U R not the only hook up the person is having.
This is an interesting topic and I like this blog. I just wanted to say that gay men are going to continue to hook up online. We need to remember that society is still so homophobic so for some gay men hooking up on line is actually more discreet than meeting someone in a park or in a club. The hook up sites serve their purpose, if you are looking for something serious do NOT look for it online. I am sure there are specific gay sites for dating but most gay men I think about getting off. I don’t see anything wrong with it the internet cuts out all the bullshit. If you want to hook up with someone just use common sense.
If I am going to hook up at a guy’s place I always leave a note with his name, address and phone number. At least if he kills me the police will know who did it. lol