Black Gay Men’s Blog advice column, Ask Storm, returns with a question about sexual monogamy and relationships. Jonathan is an out and proud black gay man in a relationship, but he doesn’t believe in monogamy. He says he loves his man, but wants to have sex with other guys and would be fine if his “baby” also had sex with other men. Jonathan is able to make the distinction between sex and being emotionally attached/available, but wonders if he is wrong for feeling this way. This is a discussion I have had with a few friends and associates, so I thought we should explore it on the blog. Is there anything wrong with black gay men defining their own relationships? In a world where so many people cheat, should everyone be expected to be monogamous? If monogamy isn’t for you, shouldn’t you bring that to the table before entering into a relationship?
Dear Storm,
I can bet that I may face opposition on this, but I have something I’ve been wanting to share for a while that I always get called out on. I don’t believe in sexual monogamy; I love my guy, but I don’t
want to have sex with just him. I don’t live on the down-low, I’m an out, gay, proud, black man. I don’t want to make myself emotionally available to anyone else but him either. I understand that any other person I would have sex with needs the same mindset. I’m all for safe sex and I practice it all the time.I love my baby, I just don’t want to have sex with only him. I know it sounds like my rationale is skewed, but if he were to have sex with anyone else, it’s permissible to me. It’s my conviction that I can love him with all my heart, but still feel sexually liberated. I have had a fully honest, substantive, and rather difficult discussion with him about this. Am I wrong for this? Am I being a cliché?
Thank you,
Jonathan
Dear Jonathan,
First of all, thank you for sharing and reaching out to Black Gay Men’s Blog for advice. I doubt very much that you will face opposition from a lot of folks here, simply for not believing in sexual monogamy. I have always believed that monogamy is not for everyone, if you happen to be one of those people, then that’s your prerogative. The issue here is not about you not being monogamous, there are lots of black gay men, who have never been sexually monogamous, whether they admit it or not. The issue for me is whether or not you and your man are compatible. Is it fair to expect him to accept an open relationship, if you never brought it up at the beginning? That seems somewhat deceptive to me and no one likes to feel like they have been deceived or taken for a ride.
You didn’t say how old you were, so I’m not sure if this is simply a case of wanting to sow your wild oats, or something you truly believe is the authentic you. You also failed to mention how long you guys have been together and how far into the relationship this difficult discussion occurred. The fact that you say it was difficult, leads me to believe you didn’t bring this up with him initially. You say you love him, but you obviously didn’t respect him enough to let him know what he was getting into. Don’t you think he should have been given the right to decide if you were the right man for him, before getting all serious and involved? Had you already cheated on him, prior to having this discussion and if so, did you divulge that information?
There is nothing wrong with an open relationship, as long as both parties are on the same page. This should be discussed in the initial dating stages, before either party gets too emotionally invested. Open relationships NEVER work, when only one half of the couple really wants it. That only leads to jealousy, resentment and in some cases, violence. You should never try and coerce your partner into agreeing to an open relationship, if he believes in monogamy. That is simply selfish, wrong and doomed to fail.
There are lots of black gay men out there, who might be open to the kind of arrangement you desire. You should be with someone, who holds the same views as you, when it comes to monogamy. You say you love him – if you really do and you know this is going to end up hurting him, let him go. Next time, make sure you discuss this early on. As I said, the fact that you don’t believe in sexual monogamy is not the issue. It sounds as if you deceived your man into thinking you both wanted the same thing – that is the problem. If you know you have no interest in being monogamous, just be honest when you first meet the next guy (because I don’t think your current relationship is going to last). There is someone out there for you, it just might not be the guy you are with at the moment.
If I have gotten some of the facts wrong, I apologize and please let us know exactly what is going on.
Good Luck!
Storm
So, what do you guys think? Please chime in below. I really think it is up to the individual couple to decide what works best for them – gay, straight or bi. Monogamy simply doesn’t work for everyone, which is why it is important to get to know an individual and what their beliefs are, before jumping into a relationship. There is this myth that black gay men can’t be in serious, committed, monogamous relationships. I don’t believe that. However, I don’t think there is anything wrong with black gay men defining their own relationships and what works best for them. As with any type of relationship, honesty, communication and respect need to be present, even in open relationships.
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I agree, every couple is different and you gotta do what works for you.
Jonathan, it does sound like you need to be with someone more compatible. If you wanna be in an open relationship, be OPEN about that from the get go, then you won’t have to have these “difficult discussions”.
In response to the article he needs to fully disclose what he wants. Open relationships do work when both partners want it. Not all couples gay, straight, bi, sero mixed, interracial etc are monogamous. Sometimes monogamy does not not work for all people. My partner and I have agreed to be monogamous but that is because we know jealousy would destroy us. I personally am not jealous but he is.
Furthermore, some couples create Open relationships due to problems in the relationship. If he is wanting an Open relationship due to other problems then this will probably not last.
All relationships are hard and that is the truth. I would advise he listen to Dansavage.com blog pod cast. Dan actually is gay and is in a non monogamous relationship himself. I choose not to be in an Open relationship but you must do what works for you.
Call me conservative or “old-fashioned” but I really don’t see the point in having a committed relationship with someone and “screwing around”at the same time. I really don’t get it. I can understand the urge in some cases but usually that means that there is something you miss within the one you are with.
I do not believe that people who are in an “open relationship” are really fully commited to eachother emotionally.
I do not critisize them though since “to each his own” but involved men who approach for whatever motives get a nice talk and chat about politics or the weather . That’s it.Of course there is nothing wrong with any man (white black or yellow) with defining their own relationship. That is your own business after all.
Of course one should discuss it at the very start of the relationship. That a lot of people cheat is no reason to choose for that construction in my opinion. It is the same as starting to smoke cigarettes because there is smog anyway. Like: it doesnt matter. It sounds like an excuse to fool around to me.
Since English is not my native tongue, I hope the mistakes will be forgiven and my point will be understood.
It’s ok 4 black gay men(or anyone else) to define our relationships however we want, but like the others said, the 2 have to want the same thing. I would be mad as hell if my man suddenly decided he wanted to have sex with other men and was fine with me doing the same, if I didn’t sign up for that. Jonathan, you don’t sound as if you guys have been together for 10 or 20 years. I’m guessing 1-2 years max, so you knew you wanted to sleep around when u met him – ain’t like the relationship evolved. You should have told him. Open relationships are fine if both want that, but it’s usually only the freak in the relationship that tries to push the open thing, then it all gets messy! Stay single or find someone who likes to freak with others.
Sorry, but open relationships NEVER work out in the long run. Jealousy, resentment always finds its way into the situation regardless of how open both people might be in the beginning about their motives. Individuals like this do better off being single because it is less drama for their lives.
Jonathan, hope you find someone who wants the same thing you do. Like the others said, next time bring this up at the beginning. Not everyone is cut out for monogamy, we know that, but don’t try and get involved with someone who wants monogamy. You only have 2 options – be single or be with someone with the same ideals. We are all free to define our relationships however we see fit, but we should be honest upfront. If your man goes along with it, just to “keep you”, he will end up resenting you.
This is why at age 48, I am still single, and have become completely uninterested in men or dating. I can’t find a gay man who wants and desires a traditional, mongamous relationship. I can’t find a man who wants to build a life together, to create a loving partnership and nice home, who wants to love and support me and receive the same, all because they all think with their dicks instead of their brains. You want an open relationship? Have at it. But do not expect me to work hard and sacrifice and give you support if you are out poking other people. Talk about having cake and eating it too. That is like the ultimate selfish behavior, and I refuse to put up with the current gay paradigm, so I guess I will die single.
I’ve never understood the whole concept of an “open relationship”. Although I respect everyone’s right to have as much sex as they wish with whom they wish, why introduce the concept of a “relationship”? I believe that if you are in a “loving, trusting, respectful and romantic relationship”, there really is no room for a third person. Love is so precious and hard to find, that if and when you truly find it, there is no desire to look elsewhere… and it superscedes “just sex”. If there is a desire to look elsewhere, then you really havn’t found a truly loving, trusting and respectful” relationship. I fully subscribe to David’s comments. Just have as much sex as you desire and stop trying to call it a “relationship”.
I think you should be open to meeting others. Not every man is sleeping around. You are not a unicorn there are others out there like yourself who wish to build a home and family. You may have to look under a few rocks but it will work out. Do not give up, go on coffee dates meet men and good luck. The truth is there is not a person for everyone out there. Some of us will end up single. This does not mean we will be alone but we will be single.
David…just 3 words fo ryou.: Don’t give up.
Monogamy is definitely not for everyone, but we should all try and be honest about what we REALLY want and need from our relationships. This should be done at the start.
In terms of defining relationships, gay men were always seen as being ahead of the game – couldn’t get married so we made our own rules etc etc. But I think most people just wanna be loved and respected and its up to the couple to decide exactly what works for them.
Jonathan it doesn’t sound like you two are compatible, go find yourself someone else into open relationships and see how that really works for you. You never know, in a couple of years, you might realize you don’t really want an open relationship.
Good Luck
I think a lot of males, gay straight or bi would be in open relationships if they could. I use the word males because the way I see it there is a difference b/w boys and men and it ain’t about age. Yes, a lot of us might like to have variety and slut around, but for me there is also something rewarding about growing up and learning to be responsible and commit. I don’t wanna be all old and alone just because I let my d!ck rule my life.
Not judging Jonathan – if u are truly against monogamy, do your thing and do it with someone just like you. As all the others have said the problem ain’t that u are not into monogamy, it is that u seem to be saying u expect ur man to be down. I say find another man and live happily ever after with hundreds of sex partners b/w the two of u. Just remember to play safe!
Monogamy is a choice, unlike being gay.
If the feeling is mutual to be in an “open” then go for it.
Now with that said ……..all the eligible SGL brothers who want the “real” relationship that David described and have a made up mind. Let’s unite and network for good spouses. Whose with me. The password is MGM (mighty good man).
MGM-Kurt is ready for “The One”.
One must be open and honest about what they want from a relationship. If something is gonna hurt you more than it will benefit you, then give it up and turn it loose
Communication is the key to any relationship. Making clear what is important to you is what keeps the relationship honest, and an honest relationship has fewer surprises.
For me, monogamy is important. But also for me , having the right partner is important, and by “right,” I mean someone whose belief system of what “Love” is is the same.
I don’t agree with David that all men think with their dicks. I don’t think with mine, so I’m certainly not going to project that onto “all” other men. And I think having that belief running around in your head sets you up for defeat, because one is simply waiting for a guy they’re dating to even look at someone else so they can say to themselves “Aha! knew it!” which is hardly a healthy place for one’s mind to be inhabiting.
However, it is highly important to let the other person know asap, that you believe in a (physically) non-monogamous relationship, and if you’re meeting via the ‘Net, there’s absolutely no reason it should not be stated UP FRONT in your profile, so that monogamous men will just read it and not even contact you.
Did you tell your baby that this was your belief system as soon as you knew you were interested in him? Some guys won’t do it out of fear of losing someone they know they could care about: some don’t out of self-interest (selfishnesss): some simply rationalize. At this point, have you told him (I assume you have)? The longer you wait, the more you will show yourself not to be truly concerned about his feelings, and Love does actually mean treating someone else’s feelings as EQUAL to your own (not more, but certainly not less). And have you discussed WHY you feel this way? Is it because your parents cheated on each other, or were unhappy being monogamous? In other words, is it a fear you have that being monogamous will leave you too vulnerable (although you do say you believe in being emotionally monogamous, is that coming from strength or from fear?)?
In any case, if you are now involved and you haven’t told him, you should bring up the option of therapy, because if you’ve misled him, the relationship has lost its’ integrity and he’s going to feel betrayed.
Which is it, by the way? How long have you been going out and have you told him or not?
Hey I think it’s fine if a couple decides that they both want an open relationship. Let’s remember that others outside of that relationship may not feel the same way. Meaning if you are in an committed open relationship you need to let people know that before you get involved with them sexually. I’ve know people who are in open relationships, and they seem to have no responsibility to who or how they pull others into their activities. Personnally, I think a committed relationship can only be forged by two mature adult people who both understand that relationships are based on agreements where each individual is willing to give up some parts of who they are to create the entity called relationship. There is no way to have a relationship with another person and not give up or leave some of the things that defined you as “Single”. The changes you have to make are both emotional and physical. Many “boys” are not willing or able to do that.
I’m stuck by re-reading Jonathan’s letter, and never once hearing him state what his man’s feelings are in this matter. Does he or doesn’t he feel the same way? And if he doesn’t, when did this surface? If you’re dating a guy, it would seem by the 5th date at the latest (arbitrary, but as good as any other measure of time), when one says, “I really like you,” that that’s the point when it needs to be discussed what it means. “I like you” is a declaration that carries with it the unspoken words “…more than I like anyone else….”
I’d think, at that point, if that sentiment is returned, it is an acknowledgment of deeper than casual feelings and there would naturally be some talk of the increase in time spent together, even if the you-for-me-alone declaration doesn’t come up. However, if you’re younger, than some of this is something that is learned when you’re older (and usually after a few disappointments) and you want to be sure you’re on the same page.
So, Jonathan, are you guys on the same page on this matter or is it a source of conflict? Don’t be shy: speak up!